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Anorak | Mel’s Hell

Mel’s Hell

by | 25th, July 2002

”I HAVE never been talented at dating. But now that I am out and about again, four years after having had a child, I’m a walking disaster area at the ripe old age of 38.

Martin was only too happy to take Mel under his wing

‘Bits of me are not quite what they used to be. My boobs have all the dignity of a pair of flip-flops. And, to my horror, I recently discovered…’

Er, excuse us interrupting, but is this the right room for the Kabbalah reading group? Next door? Oh, terribly sorry… And with that we tip-toe out, closing the door quietly behind us.

For we have just mistakenly intruded upon one of Hello!’s sidelines – its counselling service for distressed folk from the world of celebrity.

In church basements up and down the country, small groups huddle around clutching polystyrene cups of instant coffee and let it all hang out.

Take Melanie Cable-Alexander, the tragic lady we just heard pouring out her heart. Once she was Lord Snowden’s lady, and bore him a son. Now, she has ‘flapping’ upper underarms, teeth that are ‘losing their grip’ and a ‘yawning gap in the front of my mouth’.

Yet thanks to Hello!, she’s getting her life together, and she even has a new man, Martin.

Admittedly, she met him in Streatham, but the good news is that Melanie wasn’t walking the streets at the time.

They met at a ‘supper party’ – although what kind of supper isn’t specified. (Something out of a tin, probably – ever such fun!)

He’s called Martin and they met for their first date at Fortnum and Mason, where Martin ‘had been invited to spend an evening shopping’ – well, it was better than the offer of a free fitting at Specsavers.

Needless to say it all went horribly wrong, with Melanie’s new dentures popping out, and various other humiliations, but they got on like a house on fire and all was well in the end.

But we can’t stand around talking about Melanie all night: it’s time to get spiritual…



Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink