Anorak | Kick And Tell

Kick And Tell

by | 20th, August 2002

‘IT is surprising that in a world where brains are routinely found in feet, sportsmen and woman still like to lend their names to books.

How Vinnie convinced publishers a sequel would be good

Apart from ‘Ten O’Levels’ Trevor Brooking, Martin O’Neill and Gary Bailey, few footballers have ever read anything from cover to cover. This is perhaps why football managers read the riot act to them, because if Dave and Steve had to read it, they’d get stuck on the first word.

And let’s not get too involved with the writing act itself. I was once in the players’ lounge at Arsenal when a certain player began to scratch his name in a child’s exercise book. The fountain pen he had been given was being held the wrong way round, point to the rear.

”Not to worry, ***,” said the autograph hunter’s dad to his son, ”you can always go over it in crayon later.”

But such tales are the stuff of asides and gossip. What players want is to write a weighty tome that says, ”I was a professional footballer and that someone else other than me remembers that goal I scored in training and what I said to such and such”.

For that reason, people like David Batty, John Barnes and Andy Cole all call their books ‘The Autobiography’. It’s just not trying. It makes them sound grand, as if this is the last word on their lives. But, in reality, their lives have not been that interesting, and the headline suggests nothing to the contrary will be found within the covers. Even Roy Keane’s use of the eff word shows more imagination than that.

In essence, the authors of the ”The” autobiographies (and include: Peter Schmeichel, Dennis Wise and Ruud Gullit) have had a successful career, great adulation and adoring fans, but have nothing to say. If it weren’t for football, it’s a decent bet none would have earned a mention in the local free advertiser, let alone the national press.

Vinnie Jones published ‘Vinnie The Autobiography’ in 1998, but has since thought himself worthy of more comment and released a sequel in 2001, called ‘My Life’. The intervening three years had been interesting, but one would hazard a guess much more so for him than the rest of us.

But he did at least recognise his idiosyncrasies, and knew that Vinnie was a better title than Mr Jones or Vincent.

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Posted: 20th, August 2002 | In: Back pages Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink