Five Go Mad

”’COME on in,” says the German. ”It’ll be all right. Pierre is already here.” But John Bull waits for the creepy music to end and the audience to tell him what to do.

Test 1: If it sounds like fudge, smells like fudge, it is probably fudge

”Don’t do it,” say most of the Tories from the right. ”Don’t follow the Germans and the French. Are you mad?!” ”Don’t be scared,” say the europhiles on the left. ”Go for it!”

So which way to jump? It’s a tough decision, but, thankfully, Gordon Brown and Tony Blair are there to cast the decisive votes.

”Yes,” says Gordon, ”but not yet.” And so John Bull waits. The Independent then hears Brown step up to the euro gates and address the French and Germans within. ”You go on ahead, we’ll catch up later – if we feel like it.”

The Independent, though, is struggling to believe its ears. The paper remembers on its front page how, in July 2000, the Prime Minister predicted the meeting of the famous five tests and the Government recommendation that we the people take up the euro.

But we all know that the driving forces behind the five tests have radically altered. For instance, there’s the one about the, er, you know thingamebob in Test 3: The Pepsi Daz Challenge. Or is that Test Four.

Whatever it is, the Tory leader, Iain Duncan Smith, tells the Times that the Chancellor’s five tests were one of the ”most elaborate, time-consuming smoke-screens in history”.

No chance, says a restive Chancellor Brown, the man who’s set to announce his ‘definitely maybe’ verdict to a packed Commons this afternoon.

Warming up for that, the Times hears him launch into a long speech about the importance of trust. ”Trust in Governments depends on you being able to make the right decision and to show people you are working in their interests,” he blusters.

Or making no decision at all, as is the case here.

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Posted: 9th, June 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink