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Access All Areas

by | 12th, September 2003

‘THE security in this country is a joke. Well, that must be the conclusion reached by Carole Caplin, anyway.

Carole’s Bristol flats

It turns out that Cherie Blair’s “lifestyle guru” is in possession of a swipecard which allows her access to Number 10, bringing vital supplies of healing crystals, secret potions, and beautiful lipsticks.

The Telegraph reports that the security officers have now removed the card, presumably on the grounds that the number of passes allocated to nutcases had exceeded the usual quota.

The fools! Do they really believe that this will be the end of the matter? A woman of Caplin’s powers will laugh at their pathetic attempts to spot her.

At this moment she is sitting in a circle of perfumed candles, daubing herself in menstrual blood and humming loudly.

Within a matter of hours she will have used magical mental energy to transport the whole of Downing Street from its present location, rebuilding itself around a new epicentre at the exact point where she sits, atop a secret lay-line somewhere in a field near Hereford.’



Posted: 12th, September 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink