Joy Division

‘TRICK or Treat? Think carefully about that question, because a wrong answer could result in your hair being set alight by a burning firework.

‘It’s ein fair cop, guv’

But fear ye not, the police are on their way, and they’ve had enough of such antics. The Chief Constable of Merseyside, Norman Bettison, wants a total ban on the sale of all fireworks.

The Mail hears his call and lists the reports of rockets being fired at planes taking off and landing at Liverpool’s John Lennon airport, cars and phone boxes being blown up by Roman Candles, and that burning hair, as proof that fireworks are a danger to the public.

It is time to get tough, says the top cop in the area. Orders must be obeyed. Criminals vill not be tolerated. You vill do as ve kommand or you vill pay!

Ooops! Sorry, we’ve slipped a foreign accent into our nice old copper, who is surely British to his core. But you’ll have to forgive us since that accent is based on another police story in today’s Sun.

Therein we learn that Scotland Yard are investigating revelations that Detective Constable Linda Daniels has a home full of Nazi memorabilia, including a life-sized mannequin of a German storm-trooper.

This is, of course, nothing beyond the ordinary in police circles - it’s just that Daniels, who is married to a Nazi fan, is attached to a unit which investigates race crimes.

Keith Baumont is an honorary member of the SS veterans society. What’s more, he and Daniels have an Alsatian dog named Blondi, after Hitler’s mutt of the same breed, and believe that the Holocaust was “exaggerated”.

He is party to secrets that Paul Burrell must envy, such as how the Auschwitz gas ovens were installed by Russians to make the misunderstood Germans look bad and Belsen prisoners were not in fact starved, but pioneers of the Atkins diet.

Daniels is saying nothing, but she is pacing up an down in an interesting manner while her fellow coppers consider whether it would best if she were transferred to other duties, or given some kind of iron medal…’

Posted: 27th, October 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink