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Anorak | No Sex Appeal

No Sex Appeal

by | 1st, December 2003

‘SEX should only be for the sexy. We mean not the actual act, which needs only consent and proof of age, but talking about it in public.

Love’s young dream

Fine if Lucy Pinder, the Star’s cover model, wants to tell us about her romps in the hay, but less so when the headline to the left of her foremost protrusion announces: “DEC: I WASN’T GETTING ANY SEX.”

The Dec is Declan Donnelly, the miniscule host of Pop Idol. He split from his “childhood sweetheart” Clare Buckfield, whom he dated for ten years, because he wasn’t getting any sex.

“I haven’t had any action for ages,” says Dec. “It’s quite depressing when you’re too hectic working for nookie.”

The thousands of blue-rinsed women who make up Dec’s fan-base will recoil in horror at the idea that squeaky clean Dec got any in the first place and then wonder why the nine-year-old star is thinking of such adult pursuits.

But children are often a rule unto themselves. Just ask Ozzy Osbourne, who continues the theme of sex for the unsexy with his story in the Mirror in which he tells of his “SEX ABUSE AGONY”.

“I was sexually abused when I was a kid,” says Ozzy, who recalls the trauma when he was just 11-years-old. “Two boys used to wait for me. They would force me to drop my pants and all that s**t.” Unsurprisingly, it “completely f****d” him up.

Better to stick with the aforesaid Lucy and know that under her party dress this Christmas she intends to wear Triumph knickers that not only look great but are “extremely comfortable” too.

And if you don’t want to take Lucy’s word for it, you can always ask other well-known sex icons: Cilla Black, Vanessa Feltz, Dale Winton, Edward Windsor, Robin Cook…’



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