Ugly – The New Beautiful

‘A SHE-MOUNTAIN wins Pop Idol; a Hobbit becomes World Idol; and Victoria Beckham has a career as a model – these days it’s good to be ugly.

Phwoar!

In fact, as Anorak readers will no doubt be delighted to learn, minging is the new beautiful. Boilers are the new babes. Fat is the new thin. And pale and spotty is the new black.

Dedicated leaders of fashion that we are, we have peered into our crystal ball and make the following predictions for 2004.

It will be the year when even the world’s most beautiful starlets go under the plastic surgeon’s knife to try to add a few flaws to their otherwise perfect anatomies.

We will all abandon the Atkins Diet in favour of the high-carb, low protein Fatkins Diet and quickly balloon to Feltzesque proportions.

The ”English smile” will sweep America with people from New England to New Mexico queuing round the block for an appointment with the orthodontist and the chance to have their perfect white gnashers discoloured and set at irregular angles.

Teenaged boys in Britain will rip down their posters of Britney Spears, Nadine from Girls Aloud and the fit one out of the Sugababes and replace them with lifesize representations of Lisa Riley, Nicola from Girls Aloud and the fat ginger one out of Hollyoaks.

Teenaged girls will turn their noses up at Enrique Iglesias, David Beckham and Ant (of Ant & Dec fame) and swoon instead over Rik Waller, Gary Neville and Dec (of Ant & Dec fame).

And all of a sudden, all the cool boys at school will be trying to stick their tongues down Spotty Dottie’s throat, but she will have eyes only for Mongoloid Martin.

How do we know all this? We know because we have seen the new edition of OK! magazine, that barometer of the zeitgeist, the self-styled ”first for celebrity news”.

In its first edition of 2004, it parades before us the twin delights of Pop Idol queen Michelle McManus – all 15 stone of her – giving her first ever interview and Jade Goody telling the world how she went from size 16 to ”a perfect 10”.

Of course, there is nothing perfect about a Size 10 in 2004, but Jade should not fret – she is no more a Size 10 than Britney Spears is a virgin. Or unmarried.

But if want to have a body like Jade’s, OK! tells you how – simply nip into your local HMV and buy a copy of The New Jade Dance Workout.

Alternatively, if Jade’s perfect body is not to your liking, how about doing Pilates with Fern Britton, ”the UK’s favourite TV presenter”? Or trade in your old Danniella Westbrook C-Plan Diet for her new Better Body Workout (which involves nothing more strenuous than spending £6,000 on a new set of boobs).

The real gem, however, among all these post-Christmas offerings is Anne Diamond’s A New You – ”a complete starter kit containing everything you need for a new you”.

Now, we at Anorak are taking our New Year’s resolution to be that little bit nicer this year very seriously, but we can’t help asking: ‘If you had to choose ”a new you”, would it look like Anne Diamond?’

We only ask…’

Posted: 5th, January 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink