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Anorak | Lights Out

Lights Out

by | 20th, January 2004

‘TODAY the papers challenge the claim that sex sells by enlisting the help of a few celebrities to tell us about how they get off.

‘I tried the paper bag. It kept ripping’

The Star gets the golden ball rolling by letting the world know that as part of their foreplay – a prelude to their ‘frighteningly good sex life’ – Day-vid and Victoria Beckham like to flick off the lights.

On the face of it – and judging by the face of his wife – this seems like a prudent move, one well designed to keep the flame of lust alight.

And what’s more, according to Posh’s dance stylist(?), ‘David has these little ways of startling her in the dark… She has no idea when he is about to pounce.’

She could be a minute away from an attack; she could be a week – it’s just the spontaneous way Day-vid is.

But Day-vid had best not leave it too long lest Posh nip to the shops and buy herself The Lightest Touch, the sex gadget the Mail says is a huge hit in the US and is set to send shudders the length and breadth of British women’s spines.

But does it work? Well, it seems even inanimate electrodes have their limits, and Esther Rantzen remained unaroused when she plugged herself in and switched the machine on.

Ingrid Tarrant, who purports to be the wife of Chris Tarrant, also made the device a non-starter, as did Chris Illey, a writer who lives in London and Los Angeles – so she should know.

In fairness, we must note, as the paper does, that the machine did work for two of the Mail’s guinea pigs.

But rather than dwell on how they fared, the Sun has something of a scoop. It seems that Andy Pandy, or ‘Randy Andy’ to give him his headline dues, is no clean-living children’s entertainer, but a purveyor of X-rated filth.

Actor Tom Conti, who narrates the BBC show, says that the script is laced with double entendres. Such as: ‘Teddy got very excited blowing up the balloon. It was very big indeed.’

That’s an entendre that passes us by, although the words ‘blowing’ and ‘big’ could be stressed with a Leslie Philips-style leer.

But more obvious is the scene in which Andy is blowing on a big wooden horn and finding the going ‘rather hard’.

Now, you might expect the paedophile-hunting Sun to come down hard on such perversion, but no, it simply underscores a picture of Andy, Looby Loo and Teddy with the word ‘Threesome’.

It’s an image almost as grim as a threesome involving Andy, Esther Rantzen and Posh – even with the lights out!’



Posted: 20th, January 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink