Shooting From The Lip

‘“I’M often asked whether scoring a goal is better than sex. For me there’s no contest.”

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The words of David Beckham, footballer, father and thong-wearing accessory and celebrity stepladder to the tick-like Victoria.

But why is it no contest? In the spirit of research, we have taken a good hard look at Victoria and then, with her image fixed upon our mind’s eye, taken a ball to our local park.

Fashioning a goalpost from Dolce & Gabbana’s forthcoming summer range of jumpers and tracksuit tops, we took the ball and lashed it into the make-shift net, all the while imagining Victoria naked and in the very throes of passion.

And the result is that we concur with Day-vid’s opinion that it is “no contest”: scoring a goal is far more fun and rewarding then playing with La Posh.

And before you say that we don’t really know because we never actually got to bed the former Spice Girl, we point out that neither did we get to score a goal for England in the World Cup finals. We only imagined.

And on hand to aid our fantasies is the couple who, the cover of OK! promises, tell us about how “madly in lust” they are, in their own words.

The first surprise is David’s claim that sex is better than scoring a goal. “Of course sex is better and it certainly doesn’t affect my game,” says the footballer.

It does help that Vicky can easily go three months without sex, a third of a football season. It is, she says, “no problem”.

But it‘s no use her going without if David wants it. “Sex is madly important to us,” she says. “Two people have to fit together, otherwise sex is no fun.”

Sadly, we get no pictures of how snug that fit is, and have to make do with less pornographic shots of “their intimate moments”, caught on camera and executed in the full glare of a watching paparazzi.

Over no fewer than nine photographs, the couple can be seen canoodling in each other’s arms. And in six of those, while Becks is doing the kissing (one on his wife’s nose; five on her head), Posh is routinely looking not at him; in one shot she even stares straight into the lens.

It’s an odd kind of romance, a weird sort of madly sexual relationship, where foreplay involves a peck on the forehead in preference to the more conventional lips

As such, it’s a good job their amazing love life and bedroom acrobatics do not interfere with David’s football – if it did, he’d miss the goal by miles.’

Posted: 26th, January 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink