In Bed Again With Madonna

‘THERE are few words in the English language guaranteed to strike fear into a cinemagoer’s heart as ‘Madonna is making another film’.

Madonna models the new C&A summer range

Indeed, short of the phrases ‘Starring Ben Affleck’ and ‘Best British film of the year’, it is hard to think of anything more genuinely scary than news of Mrs Ritchie trying again to convince us all that she can act.

The good news, however, is that she is not planning a sequel to Swept Away, the film that won her a Worst Actress Razzie last year (and her husband a Worst Director Razzie).

The bad news is that, according to the National Enquirer, she’s planning a sequel to her 1991 documentary, known in the US as Truth Or Dare and in the UK as In Bed With Madonna.

Anyone who sat through the yawnfest that was the last film, following a 32-year-old Madonna on and off stage during her Blonde Ambition tour will not exactly be queuing up to watch the 2004 version.

Especially as the Enquirer says that 13 years on and now the mother of two children, Madonna is not expected to curse as much as she did in the last documentary.

‘Nor will she simulate oral sex with a bottle of Vichy water,’ the Enquirer says, although it does not specify whether that is because Madonna’s taste in water has changed in the intervening years or her blowjob technique needs no further refinement.

Instead, the magazine warns, we can expect plenty about Kabbalah, the celebrity-friendly sect of Judaism that Madonna has embraced.

Oh, great! There is only one thing more nauseating than listening to someone bang on about their religious or spiritual awakening and that is listening to some self-obsessed celebrity do it.

As a taste of what’s to come, a source reveals that ‘many of the rehearsals [for her forthcoming tour] have been attended by her husband, her two kids and some of the rabbis from the Kabbalah center in LA’.

Still, as long as Kevin Costner makes another appearance, it’s sure to be a box office smash…’

Posted: 2nd, April 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink