Holiday Camp

‘THE Easter Bank Holiday gave scriptwriters a chance to wheel out their favourite (and least successful) plot device – the Walford away-day.

‘Don’t worry, Martin, we’ll get you another jacket’

While it might be nice for cast and crew to have a jolly outside the claustrophobic confines of the set, for viewers it’s usually hideously embarrassing. Who could forget the time the cast went to ‘Oierland’, or Frank Butcher’s resurfacing in Spain?

This week, Albert Square’s more senior citizens went off to a holiday camp called, very inappropriately, “Jollies” (aka the old ‘Hi De Hi’ set).

Jim has recently undergone the sort of complete personality swap only found in soaps, from being the Square’s very own Bernard Manning, he’s now so right-on he’d probably find The Guardian too right-wing.

For his weekend away, Jim invited his two new best friends: a gay man and a black man. And this from a man who didn’t speak to his daughter for five years for “dating a darkie.”

Still, soaps, like the Conservative Party, operate in their own space-time continuum and bear absolutely no relation to real life.

Patrick had decided to use the weekend to propose to Yollande but, being one of Walford’s ‘comedy’ characters, he of course had to muck it up.

Patrick and Jim went on a bender to commiserate, and, hilariously, Patrick ended up in bed with Dot after getting into the wrong chalet. How we laughed!

Derek has much more luck in the bedroom department, however, when the manager of the Holiday Camp turned out to be his ex boyfriend, Robert.

Unfairly, Pauline complained of Derek ‘abandoning’ her when Derek chose to spend the night with Robert. “I’m not your husband,” he hissed at the cardie-wearing “toxic witch” (copyright: Dennis Watts).

There was more bad news for Pauline when Martin turned up unexpectedly to announce that Mark had hung up his leather blouson jacket for the last time and ridden off to the EastEnders Cast graveyard in the sky (otherwise known as ‘The Bill’).

Martin had taken the news very badly, and Sonia had driven him through the night to see his mum, despite the fact they’d broken up earlier that night.

Bizarrely, Martin had accused Sonia of losing too much weight and “looking nice”, which, unsurprisingly, Sonia didn’t tell too well and dumped him. Perhaps Martin was looking for a mother-replacement?

Back in Walford, Sharontella Versace and mini-Dennis have moved into the B&B, so they can be ‘togefer’.

Den is furious – something you can tell because the cracks on his varnished face have got bigger through all the frowning he’s doing. “If yer gonna date me daughter, yer no son of mine,” growled Den to Dennis. “So wot’s it gonna be? Family or relationship?”

That’s the beauty of sleeping with your sister though – you never have to make that choice…’

Posted: 19th, April 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink