Life’s Not Fair

‘NEVER mind the Amazonian rainforest, the white rhinoceros or even post-McFadden Westlife – the shocking news in today’s papers is that the blonde is on the verge of extinction.

Charlize had spent many a lonely night since Ann Widdecombe went blonde

Stocks of blondes have reached dangerously low levels in many parts of Britain and, were it not for hair dye, would have almost disappeared.

According to the Mirror, for instance, 36% of women in Cardiff sport blonde tresses, but only 1% of them are naturally fair.

The situation is not much better in Bournemouth, where only 8% of the 43% of women with blonde locks have not had recourse to the bottle.

Bournemouth does have the consolation of being home to the highest number of blue rinses in the western world, but that’s another story for another day.

The Express is of the opinion that the whole ‘collar and cuffs’ debate is irrelevant.

‘Just being blonde is the only issue and if it comes from a bottle, so what?’ it says. ‘Eyes still follow you across the room in a way they didn’t when you were a mouse.

‘There are gasps and whistles where once silence reigned.’

Take Ann Widdecombe. Is the former Tory minister any less of a sex kitten because we know that her blonde locks are a recent addition?

And Ann is not the only one who thinks that blondes have more fun – according to the Mirror, a quarter of bottle blondes said they would never go back.

And with its new-found expertise at separating the real from the fake, the paper takes 20 celebs and reveals which ones are as nature intended.

Among the fakes are actresses Charlize Theron, Kate Winslet and Tamzin Outhwaite, models Jerry Hall, Kate Moss, Jordan and Nell McAndrew, singers Madonna and, er, Kerry McPadding, and DJ Zoe Ball.

Among the naturals are actresses Gwyneth Paltrow, Lisa Kudrow, Cameron Diaz and Cate Blanchett, model Claudia Schiffer, singer Emma Bunton and TV presenters Denise Van Outen, Tess Daly and Ulrika Jonsson.

Indeed, if it wasn’t for Jonsson, the blonde may already be a thing of the past.

And so the Anorak ‘Lie Back And Think Of Sweden’ Award for Services to the Propagation of the Blonde Gene goes to…’

Posted: 19th, May 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink