In A Stu

‘HOW funny was it to watch would-be topless model Michelle Bass burst into tears as she watched her Big Brother lover Stuart flirting with the other girls in the house?

For viewers watching in black and white, England are kicking from left to right

(We fed the data into our new Anorak Gag-O-Meter, constructed from an old bicycle, a broken Etch-a-sketch and a lock of Bob Monkhouse’s toupee, and blew every fuse in Anorak Towers.)

Less scientifically, the Star (“Big Blubber”) thinks it’s so funny that it splashes the Geordie lass’s tears all over its front page.

Poor Michelle, it says, was left fuming after a fake eviction on Friday allowed her to witness events in the house from behind a screen.

She saw hunky Stuart getting aroused in his swimming shorts while bathing in the spa pool with Shell; sexy Vanessa making a move on the long-haired student as she painted his nails and massaged him; and gay Dan rubbing suntan oil into the lad’s buttocks.

“He’s my little chicken,” she wailed. “Get your hands off him!”

We tell you all this because quite clearly you are not watching the programme itself.

In fact, it appears that the only people tuning in are the hacks who work for the Star, which explains why the story of Michelle’s tears is “exclusive”.

Perhaps, the other papers were too preoccupied watching Shell mow the lawn naked to notice. Or perhaps, like everyone else in the country, they were watching the football instead.’

Posted: 14th, June 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink