Smacking Law

‘TO help parents confused by last night’s proposed change to the smacking law, we at Anorak have produced our own guide to modern smacking etiquette.

A pointing ban is expected to become law next year

The Telegraph rightly reports that you will still be able to administer ‘mild’ smacks to little Hugo and Arabella if they don’t eat their German salami.

But this is only part of the story. After all, when is a ‘mild’ smack a ‘spank’ and when is it ‘inappropriate physical contact’?

So, here is what you do when you want physically to chastise your little bundle of joy without finding yourself before the local beak.

1. Go to your local Post Office and collect forms S46 and S47. Fill these in detailing the offence for which the child is to be reprimanded and the non-physical steps you have already taken by way of punishment.

2. Call the offending child to you, explain why he or she is in line for a smacking and get his or her signature on forms S46 and S47 agreeing to be smacked.

3. Post off the completed form to the local authority’s smacking (compliance) department and await notification from them of a date for the smacking to take place.

4. On the set date, a member of said smacking department plus a nurse and a member of the local police will turn up at your house to witness the smacking and ensure that it is indeed ‘mild’ and leaves no bruise or mark.

5. As for the smack itself, you must use your ‘wrong’ hand, you must not raise the hand more than 10 degrees from the perpendicular and you must ensure that the only contact is between your fingers and the child’s outstretched arm.

(ON NO ACCOUNT, TRY TO SMACK A CHILD ON THE BOTTOM – THIS IS ‘INAPPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT’ AND IS LIABLE TO RESULT IN IMMEDIATE ARREST.)

6. Finally, break down in tears in front of your child, wail a lot about what a terrible parent you are and beg for their forgiveness for what you have done.

It is simple enough really – what the Guardian calls ‘an unlikely alliance of lawyers, childcare professionals and politicians’ who have condemned the new rules as unworkable should take note.’

Posted: 6th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink