Anorak | Church Fate

Church Fate

by | 30th, July 2004

‘SUCH is the state of the Church of England’s finances that it can no longer get by on the usual collection plate haul of a few old buttons, a washer and a ring-pull from a can of super-strength lager.

‘And what am I bid for a year’s membership of Heaven?’

The Times says that the CoE needs money if it is to thrive it has deficits of millions of pounds.

But there are paths to salvation.

Sponsorship of the vicar’s cassock is one idea, with the cleric wearing an outfit by George at Asda or Gap. His dog collar could perhaps carry the Bonio or Pedigree Chum brand marks.

However, as advertising rates are dependent on the number of eyeballs seeing these adverts, the Church’s ever-shrinking congregation will severely hit revenues earned in this way.

The clearer way forward is for they who come to pray to give more.

For instance, Ely is facing a shortfall in giving of £445,000. Things are so bad in godless Bristol that the Church is planning to cut staffing levels and ‘lose’ 20 stipendiary clergy over the next five years.

But the meanest bunch of churchgoers seem to be in Lichfield, where monetary donations from parishioners have fallen £2m short of what has been needed since 1997.

What these people need is

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Posted: 30th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink