Martin In The Mire

‘EASTENDERS producers have called in the cavalry to try and stop the ratings slide – admittedly it was a cavalry riding into Walford in an ice cream truck, but the first signs are good.

‘Not that bloody Rebecca Loos again!’

The Millars arrived in Albert Square this week – the family of Walford’s resident wide boy, Mickey. The family consists of dad Keith who hasn’t worked for several years due to his “bad back”, mum Rosie, who has a very delightful range of tracksuit bottoms, and 13-year-old twins Darren and Demi.

Darren has already stolen takings from the Queen Vic and Demi is eight months pregnant – so they should fit right into Albert Square.

Within their first week in Walford, they’ve already managed to start a family feud with the Fowlers.

Dad Keith managed to ‘acquire’ a new bed that Pauline had ordered when he found it outside their house. Mum Rosie is also convinced that Pauline fancies her husband, when she found her in their bedroom, fighting over the bed.

Hostilities escalated when Keith held an impromptu street barbecue, as you do in the East End of London, and managed to set fire to Arthur’s bench. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, “you’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh”.

Elsewhere in the Square, Kareena is back from Ibiza, complete with a sexy new image – or so producers hope. She’s moved back in with her brothers into the incredible expanding flat, which housed at the last count, six people in two bedrooms.

Spencer was devastated to discover that his ‘girlfriend’ Kelly wasn’t coming back. “She’s, er, found some more work out there,” Kareena shiftily told Spencer. As Kelly’s last job was as a prostitute, he’s got every reason to worry.

Someone else who should also be worried is Martin. While Sonia and Pauline were keeping an all-night vigil at the hospital for Dot, Martin decided to go “up West” with the Ferriera boys for a postponed stag do.

Mickey, being the sensitive new man that he is, started riling Martin for settling down too early – although strangely he didn’t bring up the fact that, not only had he married too young, he’d also married a warthog.

Martin stormed off in a sulk and got talking to a young waitress called Sarah. “My mates don’t understand me,” he told her – which is a nice twist on the usual married man’s chat-up line.

Martin continued to drown his sorrows until they were so drowned he passed out. Unfortunately for him, he happened to pass out completely naked in Sarah’s bed.

The next morning, he quietly fled the scene of his crime and hoped that he’d be able to pretend it never happened. This is Soap World though, where every infidelity has to be exposed – although obviously not for a good few episodes to milk the storyline.

Somehow Sarah had managed to get hold of Martin’s number and has set about calling and texting him night and day. She even turned up in the Square, asking if he’d dumped his wife for her yet.

“Look, it was a mistake,” Martin hissed to her in the caff. “Now leave me alone.”

Sarah’s a determined girl, however, and isn’t going to give up. Although quite what the allure of a lanky fruit and veg seller is, is anyone’s guess.

Perhaps she’s got a fruit fetish – she’s clearly got a soft spot for lemons.’

Posted: 10th, September 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink