A Nuclear Christmas

‘WHEN the itching trigger fingers need scratching and the nuclear bombs have been fired, what will be left?

‘Nuclear fusion and radiation poisoning, acid raindrops and skin tied on with string, these are a few of my favourite things’

It’s something the BBC have been thinking about, and the Sun has had a look at what the broadcaster plans to transmit to maintain morale and keep us upbeat in our dark, dank bunkers.

So it’s over to Dr Ian Bradley, who uncovered the Beeb’s plans, to tell us what to expect.

“Shortly after the siren sounds we can expect to see and hear Julie Andrews,” says he.

She won’t be coming to us in the form of a divine visitation, rather in the shape of Maria von Trapp, the syrupy sweet do-gooder of all our hideous Christmases.

“The hills are alive with the sound of explosions, screaming and death,” chants the Sun’s headline to this story, the words floating over a photo of Andrews dancing and singing in front of a burning Alpine landscape.

This will surely make us all feel very much better as we eat our raw rat sandwiches.

But we note that the list was drawn up 40 years ago, and since that time the BBC oeuvre has been added to massively.

And thanks to that, Earth’s last living human remains can watch footage of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen stencilling his fall-out studio and the EastEnders cast preparing for Armageddon by having a Cockney knees-up round the ol’ Joanna.

Of course, you might not need the Beeb’s help to pass the time at all, not if you’re lucky enough to find that you’re sharing your nuclear bunker with the great Victoria Beckham, Vanessa Feltz, John Leslie, Clare Sweeney, Anthea Turner or any number of natural born entertainers.

So come me on gang, let’s sing it together: “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye. Goodbye!”

Oh, and shut the door on the way out…’

Posted: 7th, October 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink