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Jesus Fish

by | 20th, October 2004

‘IF you could ban one thing from Christmas, what would it be?

The parable of the fat tongue

Santa? Brussels sprouts? Cliff Richard? What about religion?

According to the Express’s front page (“CHRISTMAS BANNED IN RELIGIOUS EDUCATION”), a video promoting religious festivals has failed to mention Christmas or, for that matter, Easter.

Looking at the 55-minute teaching video called ‘Child’s Eye View of Festivals’ is to enter into a world where Jesus Christ never existed, let alone was born, died and rose again, as legend has it.

The privately-made film, produced by Katy Jones, a Bafta award-winning TV producer, and Linda Mort, a nursery teacher, is to be distributed to primary schools.

But not everyone is happy, and the Express solicits willing representatives of the holy triumvirate that is the Church of England, the Conservative Party and the Catholic Communication to say how appalled, upset and outraged they are.

But they are about to be further antagonised by the Mirror’s news that Jamie Oliver will be plugging the space vacated by Jesus Christ.

Jamie will not be turning Sainsbury’s own brand water into organic wine, now will he be feeding 5,000 hungry shoppers on ciabatta and soused herring with goose fat and herb dip, but he will do doing something far worse.

Oliver will be spending the season of goodwill – now officially known as Jamie Time – extolling the vitues of…smoked salmon.

And, once more, few are happy.

“Christmas is about turkey, stuffing and selling lots of wine and beer – so why are they [Sainsbury’s] spending millions on salmon?” says an unnamed industry insider.

And so it is. But any youngster looking in and thinking that’s all the season of goodwill to all men is should read on. Christmas is about so much more than salmon.

It’s about spending time indoors with family and realising why you don’t see your relatives more often, freeing a puppy on the hard shoulder of the M11 and praying for some decent presents.’



Posted: 20th, October 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink