St Elsewhere

‘IT is with no great regret that we have to inform the people of St Albans that we are planning to change the name of their town.

St Alban’s head was considered offensive to the Romans

Following a long and costly consultation process (conducted entirely in our local pub, The Pissed Newt), we are recommending that the prefix ”Saint” be removed.

References to the first English martyr are, we have decided, highly offensive to Jews and Muslims, not to mention the vast numbers of us who have not been (and maybe never will be) canonised.

Never mind that in the 1700 years since St Alban’s death, no Jews or Muslims have ever complained about the name – it is hardly our fault if the pork dodgers and towel heads don’t know what’s good for them.

And lest you think that we are picking on the Hertfordshire town for special treatment, you should know that we are recommending similar treatment to St Ives, St Ratford, St Oke…

Nor was this our idea originally – we got it from Islington Council, which (says this morning’s Times) is suggesting it change the name of St Mary Magdalene Church of England Primary School for fear of causing offence to other faiths.

”We need to ensure that it is a school appropriate for Islington in the 21st Century,” explains Cllr James Kempton, ”and church-going is a much less significant part of people’s lives.”

So, it might be said, is voting in council elections – but we don’t imagine that Cllr Kempton would be so keen to see his beloved Islington Council abolished.

The lunatic thing about the proposal is that the Jewish and Muslim communities insist it is simply not an issue for them.

”This is silly,” says a spokeswoman for the Association of Muslim Social Sciences. ”We actually revere Mary a lot as the Mother of Jesus.”

Wrong Mary, but no matter – perhaps Islington Council would be happier with the name if they were reminded that this Mary used to be a prostitute…’

Posted: 5th, November 2004 | In: Uncategorized Comment | TrackBack | Permalink