Family Affairs

‘VICKY’S pervert boyfriend, Tommy, left The Square for good this week, for Thailand, but not before a final showdown with Den. “Don’t ever show yer face round here again,” snarled Den. Indeed. Walford isn’t big enough for two aging letches.

Suddenly Sharon remembered what Miss Piggy would have done?

“Why do I always pick the wrong men?” Vicky sobbed to her step-sister, Sharon. “It’s in the genes, love,” Sharon replied. And she should know, having had a relationship with her ‘brother’.

Vicky and Zoe decided to cheer themselves up after being dumped by their blokes with a night out ‘clubbing’ (ie jigging around in tarty clothes in a half empty ‘Angie’s Den’). Zoe had to cancel at the last minute though when she took delivery of a bunch of flowers from the missing Dennis, telling her that he was coming back that night.

Zoe rushed to the station to meet him but after a couple of hours standing around gormlessly like a Ferreira, Zoe’s plain evil cousin, Stacy, appeared with a grin spread across her fat chops. “Waiting for someone are yer?” she taunted Zoe. “Well ‘e ain’t never gonna show cos it was me who sent you them flowers.”

A distraught Zoe ran off into the night and straight into Dennis himself, who really has returned from his wanderings/ failed attempt at a Hollywood career. “I’m sorry Zoe,” he lamely told her, trying to explain his absence of a month, “I just need to sort my head out.”

Zoe, being young and in love (and a Slater) was more than happy with that explanation and promptly fell into his arms. Dennis has apparently realised that it’s Zoe he really loves and has asked her to move in with him. And of course, this being Walford – the London Borough modelled on the Tardis, there just so happened to be a spare flat they could move into the very next day.

Unfortunately for Zoe though, the flat happened to be Sharon’s old drum, a fact she was very quick to point out to her love rival. “Dennis and I made love in every room of that flat,” Sharon told her, as six million people simultaneously dry-retched.

Sharon has decided that she’s going to fight for ‘her man’ even though he’s actually her step-brother. “You don’t love Zoe,” she told Dennis, doing her special quivering lip thing for added emphasis. “Why can’t yer just admit the truth.”

Dennis looked horrified at his sister and told her that he’d moved on. “It’s wrong Sharon,” he told her, “it’s terribly wrong.” Referring either to their sexual relationship or their acting, to be honest, it was impossible to tell.

Sharon isn’t going to take this lying down – which is a first for her – and stormed round to have it out with Zoe. “You’ll never have what we could have had,” she told Zoe before smacking her round the face. What? Genetically damaged children? Hardly a great threat is it?’

Posted: 26th, November 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink