McCall Girl

”THE uglier the truth, the truer the friend that tells you,’ says Hello!, as Merlin tells King Arthur in the movie Camelot.

A punishment from God?

And it’s good that Hello! should remind us of such profundity. We have sometimes struggled to keep aloft our simple sword of justice in the face of the celebrity onslaught.

Many is the time we’ve wandered up from the unlit basement and crawled on our hands and knees into old Mr Anorak’s offices and asked why we can’t just leave the great and good alone.

Let Jade be ‘stunning’, allow Jessie Wallace her ‘radiance’, let’s stop pretending and let is be said that Her Poshness is more sweet-sounding than a castrated choirboy eating sugared bonbons from a hummingbird’s wing.

And each time he turns to us, taps the side of his head – but not too hard lest a vein pop – and tells us: ‘Send for the big guns! Fuzzy wuzzies everywhere! Nurse! Charge!’

And in an instant we know. We must plough on. For, as Hello! has said: ‘The uglier the truth, the truer the friend that tells you.’

And we are true friends to Davina McCall. It’s up to us to tell her that her voice is like listening to a live kitten being dragged down a cheese grater.

It’s our duty to tell her that her newly-renovated six-bedroom home in Surrey cements her reputation as the new Anthea Turner.

And that banging on about her tough childhood, her anorexia, her discovery of drugs and her time wasted trying to ‘fix’ broken men is self-indulgent and trite.

And, if we are all friends here, then we must say that, when we hear Davina say that getting her job in telly after giving up drugs was like a reward from God, we want to scream.

Only even if we did, no-one would hear us – for how could they above the infernal and vacuous din our good pal Davina makes…’

Posted: 2nd, December 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink