The XXXX-Factor

‘GIVEN our familiarity with reality TV’s the Osbourne family and that cartoonish patriarch Ozzy, how many of you can name a single Black Sabbath song?

G4

Sure, some of you will be able to reel off a long list of the band’s hits, perhaps even singing a few bars of Paranoid or Hand Of Doom.

But we’ll wager that most of you will be shaking your heads – in much the same involuntary way that Ozzy shakes his – unable to conjure up the name of a single hit from the group’s oeuvre.

But don’t worry because Ozzy is about to become famous for something more than swearing, shaking and shouting the single word he still says with any clarity - “Sharon!!!!”.

According to the Star, Ozzy is in talks (or mutterings) with producers of the West End music hit Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to play the role of the evil Child Catcher.

“I love the show,” says Ozzy, “and I think I would be great in that role. I am supposed to be the Prince of F***ing Darkness after all.”

Which means his Princess must be the unlovely, foul-mouthed Sharon!!! – who will, in her bid to connect with her obnoxious kids, surely rebrand the show something ‘shitty’ and ‘gang-banging’.

And here is the loud-mouthed one, telling anyone and everyone that someone called Steve Brookstein is “full of crap” and a “fake”.

For those not in the know, Steve is the latest winner of a reality TV talent show, having beaten off the extremely stiff competition of G4 (think the Flying Pickets meets the Righteous Brothers), to be crowned X Factor best in show.

And Sharon is of the mind that being “full of crap” and “fake” in some way makes Steve unsuitable material for modern day audiences.

And that gives us the Mirror’s headline “SHARON XPLODES”. (Don’t panic, her pneumatic chest did not make a mess of the television studios.)

She went mad. “I just lost it with him,” says Sharon. And witnesses agree, saying that Sharon screamed at pop’s newest talent.

“Excuse me?” says Sharon to Steve, showing a rare degree of politeness. “Who the f**k do you think you are? Show some f*****g respect. You are nothing but a f*****g taxi driver.”

So incensed was Sharon by Steve’s win that she was forced to flounce from the studio clad in her dressing gown.

So, if you see a woman walking the streets of London clad in a dressing gown ranting and swearing about the prince of darkness, best leave her alone.

And report the incident to Care In The Community…’

Posted: 13th, December 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink