How To Be British

‘NOW that we know that David Blunkett has resigned, we’ll probably never know the answer to the question that we have repeatedly asked of the Home Secretary in recent weeks.

‘I told you not to leave the key in the ignition’

Did he – or did he not – give his former lover’s nanny the answers to the citizenship quiz that all immigrants to this country are now expected to sit?

Questions like ‘What is a round in a pub?’, ‘How does Father Christmas dress?’ and ‘Did the ball cross the line?’

They, says the Times, will form the basis for the tests rather than questions about British history – ‘How many wives had Henry VIII?’, ‘How many other people’s wives had David Blunkett?’ etc.

The Government has published the answers in a booklet which is intended to offer practical advice to people coming to live in this country.

For instance, it is important to know that ‘Father Christmas is a cheerful old man with a beard, dressed in a red suit trimmed with fur’.

Or we should say, fake fur before animal lovers rush into their nearest Debenhams and pour a pot of paint over the poor sod’s head.

It also explains pub etiquette, for instance advising that ‘if you spill a stranger’s drink by accident, it is good manners (and prudent) to offer to buy another’.

And there’s a whole section on diet.

‘In Britain, the height of sophistication before a dinner party is to hand round a plate of cheese and pineapple chunks…”

Posted: 16th, December 2004 | In: Uncategorized Comment | TrackBack | Permalink