Anorak | Fears For Tears

Fears For Tears

by | 24th, December 2004

‘IT cost £3.6m and it was eight years in the design, but we’re sure you all agree that the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain is a fitting tribute to the dear departed Queen Of Hearts.

‘Please, Ma’am, can I get down now?’

Who can forget that July afternoon when before a crowd of 1,000 onlookers the Queen herself declared Hyde Park’s newest water feature open?

Who didn’t shed a tear when Her Majesty, through gritted teeth, described her erstwhile daughter-in-law as “a remarkable woman” who, er, “brought a lot of happiness to my grandsons”?

And who didn’t laugh their socks off when only a few days later the so-called Circle Of Tears closed after the wrong kind of leaves (real ones, not imaginary ones) blocked the drain?

It turns out that the eight years spent designing the world’s most expensive storm drain were not enough to work out that trees have leaves which they are prone to shed in autumn.

Nor were they enough to work out that children walking on slippery granite are prone to slip, nor indeed that water is a contributory factor in the majority of incidents of drowning.

Only the reassuring presence in the capital for two months in the summer of Mitch Buchannon (in the all-singing, all-dancing, all-over-tanned shape of David Hasselhoff) prevented the water being turned off for good.

Not that we have forgotten Diana nor that we don’t miss her every bit as much as we did that terrible day whenever it was.

How could we when we have the likes of Paul Burrell, James Hewitt and Diana herself (speaking from beyond the grave) to remind us?

While Burrell found himself truly at home among the creepy-crawlies in the Australian jungle, Hewitt was briefly a guest of the Metropolitan Police after being caught in possession of a white powder.

It was sent off to a laboratory where tests proved that it wasn’t anthrax (as many hoped) but 80% laxative, 20% bicarbonate of soda, 8% flour, 1% rat poison and 1% cocaine.

If Hewitt was embarrassed at being caught with such bad drugs on his person, it was nothing compared with the shame of his companion Alison Bell.

The newsreader was exposed as an ex-girlfriend of Prince Edward, to whom she lost her virginity at the age of 16.

As a result of which,

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Posted: 24th, December 2004 | In: Uncategorized Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink