Anorak

Anorak | Web Of Disgust

Web Of Disgust

by | 24th, December 2004

‘THE BBC was right when it told us that everyone was talking about EastEnders – most of us were saying, ‘Isn’t it rubbish?’ and ‘It’s not been the same since Roly left’.

Ex-nurse – will tend to your every need

Even the actors were bored, and set about indulging in the own plot lines.

We’ve already heard about La Wallace. But while soap’s sex symbol was beached, a frustrated Leslie Grantham was forced to look elsewhere for his thrills.

In the tabloid lexicon, the word ‘pervert’ goes with Internet sex, in the way that ‘bogus’ goes with asylum seeker.

Had the EastEnders star, for instance, cheated on his wife in time-honoured fashion in a hotel room, the papers’ show of moral outrage would have been shrill but short-lived.

Heck, given Fleet Street’s misogynistic reaction to David Beckham’s alleged infidelities and the blame attached to his wife, it would probably all have been Mrs Den’s fault.

The fact, however, that he used a laptop computer to indulge in sex play over the Internet with a 23-year-old model called Amanda (otherwise known as a 49-year-old mini cab driver called Graham) was ugly news.

The sex sessions with the woman, in which 57-year-old Grantham filmed himself naked, aroused and – during one exchange – sucking his finger, were sordid.

We saw the pictures. And then we stuck our own fingers down our own throats and gagged.

But it wasn’t really that explicit – small time stuff for a country that had already seen John Leslie’s home videos.

The too-tall TV presenter aroused interest and a rare passion for the three others who seemed to be in his bedroom.

After a preamble about a nightclub, dancing, and invitations back to Leslie’s home in suburban Sheen, we learned how ex-basketball pro Jayson Blayde ended up being filmed by Leslie while he frolicked in bed with two women, one of whom was Leslie’s girlfriend, Abi Titmuss.

“I see John’s now presenting himself as a reformed character,” said Blayde, “but he’s kept a stack of pictures and video footage of me in bed without my permission, just to satisfy his own sick lust.”

While readers choked on their cornflakes in horror – and then dashed upstairs to see if they could find the video on the web – Titmuss hitched up her nurse’s skirt and flashed her surgical supports.

Sacked from her job as a roving reporter on TV’s Richard & Judy show, Titmuss stuck on a new pair of breasts and scored a job on Channel Slapper.

She then went onto Hell’s Kitchen, and baked some tarts.

And, indeed, reality TV is where John wanted to go for time – before doing the modern day equivalent of “resting between jobs”, now known as “concentrating on my property portfolio”.

And no, it was not to be a salacious version of an old show – Strictly Cum Dancing; Porn Idol; The XXX-Factor etc. – but a stint as a safe pair of hands in the reality show Fashanu’s Football Challenge.

How do you follow that? Well, Leslie could always hang out with James Hewitt – and try not to get arrested for being in possession of a mysterious white powder. Or else go to New Zealand.

In days of yore, Britain used to export what passed for civilised society, fuelled by tea served with Sheffield steel spoons. Now we export celebrities.

As Posh ventured forth into the unknown on a mission to bring pap and just a soupcon of fairy dust to the darkest corner of a Madrid dress shop, we heard Michael Barrymore, who now lives in New Zealand, telling his local fans, Flossy and Dolly, that ‘I’ll do whatever I have to in order to get the money’.

This mind-boggling statement came to light amid news that the non-swimming entertainer has filed for bankruptcy after receiving a £1.4m tax bill.

“I’ll fill out the Burger King application form with no embarrassment at all,’ said he.

And what would we do if he did? Why, create a reality TV show based in a fast food restaurant, naturally, with Posh on sour pickles, Leslie on baps, Titmuss on anything and the rest of us growing increasingly bilious on a flabby diet of coke, plastic and more pap…’



Posted: 24th, December 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink