What The Fork?

‘THE new year is already a week and a half old, the newspapers are full of crackpot ways to lose the weight you put on over Christmas and still there’s no sign of Uri Geller.

”Can I get up yet?”

If ever there was a bandwagon for the biggest self-publicist to come out of the Holy Land since Jesus to jump onto, the fad diet industry is surely it.

And with his cutlery-bending pedigree, the principles of the Geller Diet are already in place.

”Breakfast: Rub spoon until it snaps in half. Lunch: Rub fork until it bends out of shape…”

In the meantime, we have to content ourselves with lesser lights like self-publicising hypnotist Paul McKenna, who this week is advising Sun readers on how to think themselves thin.

Billed as ”the most extraordinary slim plan ever”, the diet comprises four main rules – 1) Eat when you’re hungry; 2) Eat what you want; 3) Enjoy every mouthful; and 4) Stop when full.

But if that’s too difficult for you, don’t despair – the Mail has a diet that is even easier to follow.

Devised by German professor and his GP daughter, The Joy Of Laziness argues that sitting on your arse and doing nothing is the key to a longer life.

Dr Peter Axt and Dr Michaela Axt-Gadermann claim that each of us has a limited amount of ‘life energy’ – and the more we use up through exercise and stress, the sooner we will die.

”If you do a lot of sport or are permanently stressed,” they say, ”then your body will produce more free radicals and that is one reason why your life could be shortened.”

That may be one reason that diet guru Dr Robert Atkins in no longer with us.

The Sun says that ”the low-carb expert was notorious for romping with stunners hooked on his rashers-and-burgers regime”.

Lisa Rogak, author of a new biography of the man, says: ”Atkins developed a reputation as being good in bed. A number of women became his patient solely to have sex with him.”

Not so Charlotte Church, who has taken to martial arts and karate chops in a bid to lose weight.

Mum Maria tells the Sun: ”She has tried gyms and finds them boring, so now she has taken up karate and told me she really liked it – although she said it hurt like hell.”

But not as much as it’ll hurt her to realise that she could achieve the same results just by sitting on her former rear of the year and thinking very hard…’

Posted: 10th, January 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink