And Den There Were None

‘THE front page of the Mirror is enough to make you spill your guts into the nearest bin.

”Don’t worry, luv. It’s better out then in”

The picture of one of our brave British squaddies apparently abusing an Iraqi is grim enough, but it’s the paper’s other cover shot of EastEnders’ ‘Dirty’ Den Watts in bed with the show’s pouting sapling Zoe Slater that really gets the stomach juices churning.

But it is there, so we must take note. We must realise its importance and set about solving the accompanying question: “WHO KILLS DEN?”

One answer could be the serial killer Harold Shipman, who, as the Mail says, may have killed 137 of his patients when he was a trainee doctor.

Yes, we know the lunatic is dead, but so too was Den once, and he came back to haunt the lot of us and help kill the soap that made him a household name.

Perhaps a gang of British soldiers come into the Queen Vic pub and mistake Den, the swarthy landlord, for an Iraqi citizen. They duly set about ‘keeping the peace’ on his ageing bones.

But the Mirror ignores either of those options, preferring to list the enemies who will line up to bump off the “Walford hardman” in “WHODENNIT?”

The list is indeed long and thorough. It includes Den’s son, his adopted daughter, his wife, a former sexual conquest, two former employees, a neighbour, a businesswoman, dear old Dot Cotton and a woman he meets on the Internet.

Odds are not provided for each suspect - although a medal might be if they can kill the rest of this dreadful show at the same time…’

Posted: 20th, January 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink