Oranges And Lemons

‘WHAT is most important to you in your ideal woman - her looks or her personality?

”I call them Bashful and Lonely”

Yes, that’s right - it’s her breasts. For as devotees of top Italian sexologist Piero Lorenzoni, we all know that her breasts are her personality.

For the uninitiated, Signor Lorenzoni claims to have identified seven different breast shapes and therefore seven different personality types.

”A woman’s breasts denote her character, just like her star sign,” explains the 41-year-old quack, who has helpfully categorised the seven different types of breasts by the fruits they resemble.

And the Star is only too happy to help spread the word by providing its readers with a two-page spread to illustrate Signor Lorenzoni’s theory.

For instance, we learn that Star stunna Lucy Pinder has pineapples for breasts, which means she is ”intelligent, often has a career, but is still romantic”.

Britney Spears and Charlotte Church both have pear-shaped breasts.

”This is usually an artistic sign,” says our Italian boobologist, ”and this woman loves love in all its variations. She can be very religious, but is also known to have affairs.”

What of Victoria Beckham, you ask. Well, her orange-shaped mammaries may explain why husband David sought solace in the arms of a pig-pleasuring PA.

”While she is self-confident and knows her goals, she has little interest in sex” is the verdict.

Similarly Jennifer Ellison, with her grapefruits, ”may look erotic, but in reality can be bashful and lonely” and Jordan, with her genetically-modified melons, ”likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired…but seldom likes sex”.

In fact, it appears that a lack of interest in sex is common to almost all of the breasts in Signor Lorenzoni’s survey.

Even cherries, like Keira Knightley and Kate Lawler, are only ”moderately” interested in sex.

All of which may say rather more for the professor’s research techniques than the women he surveyed.

”Hello, my name’s Signor Lorenzoni and I couldn’t help noticing that your breasts are firm and round like an orange. Would you like to have sex with me?”

”No. Piss off, you horrible little pervert…”’

Posted: 24th, February 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink