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Anorak | No Contest

No Contest

by | 23rd, May 2005

‘WHAT to most of Europe looked like a failed reality TV show strumpet trying to kick start a faltering career, was nothing less than an exercise in geopolitical spite.

Javine hears the good news that the UK is to invade Norway

The Sun says that singer Javine feels hard done by, and is sure that her performance was worth more than the paltry 18 points it garnered.

“I didn’t feel all the counties voted on performance and songs,” says Javine, who failed to fall victim to a wardrobe malfunction and flash a nipple in the Eurovision Song Contest final, as she had done in the British heats.

She makes a good point, and had it not been for squaddies in Cyprus (5 points), relatives in Ireland (8 points) and Jamie Oliver in Turkey (1 point), her score could have been so much more remarkable.

The Sun says the voting is “rigged”, and reminds readers that Terry Wogan called the votes correctly before they were announced.

Wogan went onto say on the night of the competition that: “It isn’t a song contest any more – it’s a dance contest, with scantily clad women pawing each other.”

But while we can expect to see Wogan back for more next year, the Mirror is less than enthusiastic.

“Why there’s no point in entering Eurovision,” says the paper. And it’s got scientific proof.

The paper says that a Professor Philippe Le Guern, of France’s Lille University, has looked at the votes and found that the system breaks down into four blocs in the west, east, north and south of Europe.

Nations in the same bloc prefer each other, and are far less likely to vote for any country in a distant bloc.

The result is that Javine looses, and France and Spain are threatening to follow Italy’s lead and pull out of the contest, so deprive the world of “And your strings aren’t necessary to bind me; I am a beast that would never escape from its cage for love, even if the door was opened” from the likes of Spain’s thrusting Son de Sol Girls.

But the remedy for the UK might be less to withdraw and more to split into its four constituent parts, so affording the chance for some more local votes.

Alternatively, we could get a decent act to perform, or else threaten to invade anyone and everyone who doesn’t like us…’



Posted: 23rd, May 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink