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Anorak | Boys In The Hoods

Boys In The Hoods

by | 27th, May 2005

‘CLOTHES maketh the man, and the man maketh lots of greenhouse gases that will one day kill us all.

Just ten more fines and Pc Mansell would have enough cash for a new race car

Helpfully, Japan’s finest brains are onto this problem, and last Monday we were being introduced to Cool Biz, an attempt to get the country’s so-called salarymen to cast aside their suits in favour of new airy garb.

The effect would be to cut-down on the need for air-conditioning, so vital in keeping the men the polyester and wool uniforms of corporate anonymity cool in the summer months.

But would the outfits achieve the twin goals of keeping Japanese manhood chilled, while getting Japanese womanhood hotter than a wasabi enema?

Time will tell. But items like a top which incorporates the pleat of an evening shirt with the sleeves and back of a polo shirt is more likely to go the same way the short-sleeved suit favoured by Tsutomu Hata, the former Japan prime minister, who went about looking like his clothes have been hacked to bits by a vengeful lover.

By Friday, male apparel had taken a sinister turn, and the papers told of one Dale Carroll, a 16-year-old from Manchester with a criminal history that embraces throwing fireworks at cyclists, driving a car over the pavement and attempting to cut down a CTV lamppost with a chainsaw.

Carroll is a human Crazy Frog. With a Manchester accent. In a hood. With a ringtone.

So bad is Carroll that he’s been banned from wearing hooded tops for five years. Of course, if the scamp really wants to evade detection and look like every other law breaker on the block, he should move to Derbyshire and dress up as a traffic cop.

All week, we were treated to tales of how the police in that locale uphold one law for themselves and one law for the rest of us.

Not only were we frog-green with envy at how speeding cops escaped punishment for breaking the rules, but we were appalled that road safety played second fiddle to camaraderie.

But we were wrong. Of course we were. Firstly, our police are a selfless bunch who only speed so as we don’t have to. They lay their lives on the line.

Secondly, yobs are not born the second they pull on a nipple-shaped hat. No, sir. Indeed, on Wednesday we learnt that yobs can be born as much as made.

Just as you can inherit mum’s teeth and dad’s Comfi Slacks, you can be imparted with a gene that gives you an ardent desire to smash someone’s face in. It’s not your fault. It’s theirs. They screw you up, your mum and dad.

Just ask Julie Williams, whose three girls, created fresh life on their 12th, 14th and 16th birthdays respectively. It’s was mum’s fault, said the Mail. It was the school’s fault, said Julie.

It was in the genes’ fault said the scientists. Which left us all free to blame God, the Government and men in suits…

Paul Sorene’



Posted: 27th, May 2005 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink