Anorak

Anorak | Somethings In Common

Somethings In Common

by | 1st, August 2005

‘JORDAN and Victoria Beckham might not be the best of friends, but so much space is taken up by one or other of them in OK! that they operate as two halves of a rather lopsided whole.

When two become one

On the cover it’s all Jordan. The banner atop the OK! masthead screams: “JORDAN AT HOME IN HER £1M HAUNTED PINK PALACE.”

There’s a nice picture of Jordan and Peter Andre snuggling up with little baby Junior in towelling robes and lots of luminous white teeth.

Those hunting for Posh need to make do with a thin front-page shot of Vicky positioned alongside one of Catherine Zeta Jones and the promise “SHOCK! AS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE”.

But before we can get to Vicky and a picture of her squeezing a spot on her tongue, opening the batting for Australia or doing something else new, edgy and exciting, we hear that Jordan has been at London’s Big Gay Out festival.

After performing a version of Kool And the Gang’s Ooh La La La, the pair strolled through the backstage area, “Peter opting for baby pinks and blues, while Katie stunned onlookers by stepping out in her knickers.”

Anyone mildly surprised let alone fully stunned to see Katie’s knickers has not been paying attention to any part of her career to date – unless of course, they are stunned to see that she is not stark naked or wearing only an edible lubricant.

But enough of Jordan, because a few pages on we get to see a little more of her Poshness as she “LIGHTS UP LONDON”, eating at a restaurant (no pictures) and then moving on to a club.

But already you’re feeling that you’ve spent too long away from Jordan, and so racing on we her at home with her brood, telling us that she’s “open-minded” about her haunted house and how Junior is “gorgeous”.

There are another 14 pages of this insightful take on life in the hammer house of Jordan’s horrors, before we get to one of those features that make OK! what it is: “THE SEVEN WONDERS OF VICTORIA’S WORLD.”

Before we begin this odyssey, here’s a little challenge: see how many wonders you can get. Grab a piece of paper, something small will do, and jot down, or even draw, Vicky’s wonders.

And know that you are wrong, wrong and wrong, seven times over wrong. She’s not got pyramid-shaped nipples; her thighs and crotch do in no way resemble a part of Stonehenge; to the best of our knowledge, she has never straddled the harbour at Rhodes; never won awards for her hanging baskets in Babylon or Hertfordshire; and though undeniably a goddess, she is no Artemis.

Posh’s wonders are: “Acting” (Tom Cruise told her, apparently, that she had a “fantastic accent”); “Fashion”; “Modelling” (remember that green pixie that walked on Maria Grachvogel’s catwalk?); “Dancing” (“she spent her spare time video taping episodes of Fame and learning all the dance routines”); “Writing” (“X”); “Reality TV” star (‘Victoria’s Secrets’); and Singing (“Yeowwww!!!!”)

And looking at that lot, it’s pretty clear that there Posh and Jordan are more alike than not. Although Jordan does fill more of the page…’



Posted: 1st, August 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink