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Anorak | Bit Parts

Bit Parts

by | 19th, August 2005

‘PLASTIC surgery is a way of life in Hollywood. Stars who want to look like stars can zip on some hair, pump up some lips and tie their faces taught behind their anaesthesia-addled heads in a scab-encrusted hair bubble.

Down in the jungle where nobody goes…

But what do you do with all the off-cuts? Auction them on a website? Pledge them to the poor and needy in a celebrity telethon. Or reuse them in some way? (Rumours that the Enquirer is printed on pulped and rolled out bits of Zsa-Zsa Gabor have yet to be proven.)

The Enquirer offers no answers, but does do its best to show that you can indeed make an entire magazine from bits of skin and bone. Just look at its front over which screams “BRITNEY EXPLODES!”, “JESSICA’S BUTT DISAPPEARS!” and “AMERICA’S SCARIEST PLATIC SURGETY JUNKIE!”

Inside, the magazine uses its lead page to state: “PLASTIC NOT FANTASTIC!” We are then asked to look at before and after surgery shots of the great and wannabe better.

There’s Mickey Rourke going from fresh and angular to slack and rubbery. La Toya Jackson has given up her perky and relaxed look for something more wide-eyed and stunned. Marie Osmond’s forehead appears to be lifting off from the rest of her face. And Burt Reynolds looks like he’s been captured by the Shuar people of Brazil and had his head shrunk.

After that lot, readers are invited to turn the page and take a gander at Jocelyn Wildenstein, aka the ‘Bride of Wildenstein’, of whom the Enquirer asks: “IS THIS THE SCARIEST WOMEN IN AMERICA?” You mean the “rubber-faced freak who can barely blink”?

The woman whose extensive surgery has “turned her face into a puffy mask”? At a wild guess – and taking into account Martha Stewart – we’d say “yes”.

But though Wildenstein looks terrible now, we have only a passing idea of what she looked like before the surgery. The only evidence of what Wildenstein naturally looked like is provided by a single grainy shot of her in 1978.

Might it not be that she looked yet worse before the surgeons went to town on her face?

Not everyone has surgery because they want to look like they did when they were in demand (see Rourke and Reynolds). Some need it to put right nature’s oversights.

Just take a look at those “celebrity freaks”. Goggle at Uma Thurman’s huge hands. Marvel at Daryl Hannah’s deformed finger. Dash for the bathroom after getting a load of Sienna Miller’s demented second toe. And step aside Glady’s from Bridlington, this year’s winner of the knobbliest knees is Demi Moore, whose knees function as a staging post for the skin that’s running down her legs.

Such fleshy horrors and more should keep Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck in business for years to come. And the Enquirer in paper, and in print…’



Posted: 19th, August 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink