Otherwise Engaged

‘HAVING been disappointed by Jordan’s hen night, (see KO’d! Hen’s Teeth) and unable to get a refund on our Pump Me Paula inflatable doll, we are hoping that the wedding makes up for it.

In silicone and in bronzing powder, I say ‘I do’

In readiness, we’ve applied the first seven layers of our home tan, soaked our head in a vat of peroxide each night for a full hour and shaved our heaving chests and bosoms. We will look the part. We will be among our people.

But the Sun says plans for Jordan’s wedding to Peter Andre are not going to plan. In “I’m a celebrity..get me out of Jordan wedding”, the paper says that lots of our brightest stars are snubbing the “tacky do”.

The invitations, printed on “naff scrolls”, have been dispatched to some of the land’s finest mock-Tudor mansions. And many have been turned down.

So far Charlotte Church, Davina McCall, Denise van Outen, Shane Richie and Simon Cowell have all said they are otherwise engaged on the wedding day, whenever that day might be.

Looking at that lot, you’d forgive Jordan for breathing a sigh of relief. Who needs that bunch at your do when you can have real stars?

So though that gang of variable talents has declined the offer to rub up with Jordan and Pete, a few showbiz pals will be in attendance.

Expect non-drinking Kerry Katona. And Girls Aloud “star” Sarah Harding. And, er, the paper says that former EastEnders actor Dean Gaffney is “rumoured” to be turning up.

And “X Factor loser” Rowetta will be the “star” performer, singing as the couple take to the dance floor for the Birdie Dance and other riotous fun.

It promises to be a terrific occasion. Something you’ll remember for years – especially if you leave your head in that peroxide for too long…’

Posted: 8th, September 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink