Anorak | A Woman Changed

A Woman Changed

by | 7th, November 2005

‘THERE was a time not too far back when Camilla, the new Duchess of York, was the scariest thing out there.

She was worse than bird flu. She was Omar Barki in drag, a soft perm and contact lenses. She was a binge-drinking, pub-smoking MRSA super bug.

It was a miracle the Government hadn’t banned her. And they might have. The Government wants to ban us from doing most things. Last week they wanted to stop us drinking on trains.

Health Secretary John Reid was heard by the Times explaining the plan to the BBC. “It is right that people should be able to have a civilised drink at whatever time they want,” said he. “But it is right also that people should be responsible about not being abusive through drink on buses and other places. That is the balance of rights and responsibilities.”

A civilised drink? What’s that, then? Raising your pinky finger as you tip a can of larger into your face? Drinking hooch from a bone china cup? Mixing vodka with your Earl Gray tea?

By Tuesday, we had heard no more of the Government’s latest drive to make us all more like Tony Blair, albeit without the Army. But Camilla was very much in evidence.

She was off to the States with Prince Charles. But before she went the Mail wanted to tell us what this reinvented woman really thought about Diana. According to a “trusted royal aide”, Camilla felt “nothing but contempt” for Diana. She used to call her “that mad cow”.

She “blamed Diana for everything,” said this aide. “She hated what Diana was doing to Charles and blamed her entirely for how low the Prince was when he came to Camilla for comfort.”

And don’t for a moment think Camilla was in any way jealous of the younger woman married to her lover. Apparently, Camilla mocked how Diana had gone from “scrawny” to “muscly”. She would also draw attention to Diana’s small bosom and her own larger chest.

Camilla has no problem filling her clothes. But what would she be wearing on tour? As the Mirror reported in “CAMI££A”, the eight-day trip was set to cost the British taxpayer £250,000. Camilla was taking along 20 staff and 50 dresses.

Some of these gowns might even be black. And that would be a good choice. As the Express told us on Tuesday’s front page, black makes the wearer look slim.

To illustrate this breakthrough, the Express showed us two pictures of Charlotte Church. In one, the former Rear of The Year winner was wearing a satin gown that made her look ample enough to regain her title and hang on to it for the next five years.

In the other picture, Church was dressed in black. Her figure had been minimised. Those “brainy boffins” at New Scientist magazine were right. Darker fabrics do make it harder to see those unsightly bulges.

Of course, not everyone has bulges they want to hide. Like Camilla, Angleina Jolie has an

enviable figure. And she had been wearing white, as the Star used Wednesday’s front page to tell us that Jolie had just married Brad Pitt.

Black? Or white? What was it be? If only Kate Moss

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Posted: 7th, November 2005 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink