Anorak | Britain’s Least Wanted

Britain’s Least Wanted

by | 21st, November 2005

‘THE sky really was falling in on Chicken Licken. Bird flu was coming to get him, and it was going to spread to Cocky Locky, Goosy Loosey and Henny Penny. And then Foxy Loxy and the King were going to get it. They were as stuffed as Turkey Lurky at Christmas time.

On Monday, the Mail was telling us that bird flu was mutating into a form that can be easily passed to humans. Over in Vietnam, chicken watchers had noticed that the virus was starting to change.

“We have to get the message through that this is going to be much more serious,” said Sir Liam Donaldson, the chief medical officer. The virus “will come”. “The fight will be an extended and protracted one… We can’t be alarmist.” Too late for that. We were alarmed the Mail had seen to that.

And then there was that other bird who would do for us all – Kate Moss. Having corrupted the morals of London, Moss was heading to Little Faringdon, Oxfordshire.

Last time Moss was in town, widow Sylvia Griffiths, 82, said she was “disturbed many times late at night”. “She got a drum kit for Christmas and kept us up banging it,” said Sylvia.

And there was Wesley Hunt. He said that at Kate’s village parties there was “coke everywhere”. Oh? “Kate had her own special snorting room. It was a small lounge with a glass-covered table.”

Was there nowhere safe for us to be, the good, bird-flu fearing, non-celebrity masses? Perhaps Moss had hit upon something. Why not just put all the celebs and nasties in one place? Why not send them as far away from decent society as possible? Why not send them to a jungle clearing in Australia?

But who would go? The Mail knew. It told us that Jenny Frost was in the I’m A Celebrity holding bay. Jenny’s the uber-thin former member of Atomic Kitten. And there was Carol Thatcher, doing for her family’s honour what her mother Maggie once did for the British coal industry.

Others keen to sleep beneath the stars, and be mocked by Ant and Dec, were revealed to be: DJ Sara Cox (a woman who talks as if her mouth is already stuffed with beetles), Emmerdale actress Sheree Murphy, Food and Drink presenter Jenny Goolden, former Blue singer Antony Costa, Tommy Cannon, Sid Owen and Jimmy Osmond.

Let them east bugs! Well, bugs are better for them than the usual British fayre. On Tuesday the Guardian reported that it costs the health service more to deal with poor dietary habits than smoking, which is around £1.5 billion.

And over in the Telegraph, we learnt that children who were fed home-cooked meals were at a lower risk of heart disease.

Perhaps we should all eat bugs. Perhaps the celebs would outlive us

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Posted: 21st, November 2005 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink