Sexy Football

‘THE question as to whether or not scoring a goal is better than sex is one many footballers have wrestled with.

For research purposes footballers have scored both on and off the pitch, engaging in ever more elaborate behaviour – note the back heel flick and the 30-yard screamer, and wonder at five times a night assignations with a Page 3 stunnas and spit-roasts.

For a goal to be better than sex, and vice versa, the answer seems to depend on what kind of goal and what kind of sex.

Is a romp with a bevy of supermodels more rewarding than striking a World Cup final winner? Is a fumble on the back seat of your Skoda better then a consolation strike in a 4-1 defeat to a pub team?

And where does a “gay orgy” feature in the league table of things?

Whoever you ask about that, don’t ask England footballer Ashley Cole. In the Sun’s front-page story (“Ashley’s fury over gay orgy claim”), the player is said to be suing two newspapers for their story about two footballers, a DJ and a mobile phone.

Cole – engaged to Girl’s Aloud pop tart Cheryl Tweedy – is angry that although he was not named directly in the article the jigsaw pieces were laid out in such way that the finger was pointed at him.

The result of the report was that he became wrongly linked to the alleged incident on internet sites and chatrooms.

So Cole is suing the News of the World, which broke the story about “how two bisexual Premiership stars made some very dirty phone calls — using a mobile phone as a sex toy”, and the Sun.

This promises to be an interesting case. And we are intrigued to see what occurs when Cole takes to the field of play and hears what the fans think of his stance.

For an idea of the kind of snide comments and innuendo he can expect to be on the sticky end of, the Star uses its front page to announce: “ASHLEY COLE: I’M NOT A REAR GUNNER.” (Cole’s Arsenal team are nicknamed The Gunners.)

Readers still sniggering into their hands at that can then turn the page and discover an unfortunate shot of Cole standing with his arms akimbo and with his shorts resting half way down his exposed backside.

It’s the “BOTTOM LINE” for “cheeky” Ashley says the Star’s caption. And it’s a very inviting target for fans of opposing teams, if not for their mobile phone…’

Posted: 3rd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink