Taxi!

‘LET us draw a picture of OK! woman. She has breasts that circle the body like two moons orbiting an orange sun. She has children – two.

Her celebrity career has taken in topless modelling, singing, reality TV, heavily publicised love affairs and Marbella. And now, having arrived at the apogee of fame’s circuit, she talks to her people via the amplifier of an eponymous column in OK!.

So without further delay we bring you “JORDAN & JUNIOR” – “WORLD EXCLUSIVE ‘MY SHOCKING NEW LOOK’”. Now, fair is fair. If the truth needs to be said, we will utter it, but to call Jordan’s new hair-do shocking is doing her hairdresser a disservice. Though not great, and not enough unlike an off-cut from an Afghan hound’s tail, the hair is passable and, dare we day, an improvement on some past shockers.

And then there’s the other front-page news: “THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT MY SORE ‘COCAINE NOSE’.” Do not bother looking for Jordan to explain, this headline is rooted in that other OK! vision of modern womanhood, Kerry Katona.

And neither should Kerry be confused with Danniella Westbrook (big false breasts, reality TV career, no OK! column – yet! – nose ravaged by cocaine). Kerry is her own woman. And since you were wondering, no, she wasn’t on cocaine when the picture of her launching a mini cab firm for women was taken.

“I am not happy with the made-up stories,” says Kerry, “I’m fed up with them, but now I expect things to happen because people just want to make money out of me.”

Whether by design or coincidence, the person who backs up Kerry’s story of nasal purity and completeness is Max Clifford, publicist, consummate media manipulator and professional advisor to Kerry.

We won’t go into any detail of what Max has to say – the space here is not long enough. But we will say that the pressure of being one of Warrington’s ten leading celebrity mums and the face of frozen goods (vegetable AND meat) has taken its toll on Kerry. “I’ve become an easy target and now I’m looking to move out because I have no choice. I am being driven out…”

And any minute now her enormous pumpkin-styled coach will arrive. Or was that someone else’s taxi..?’

Posted: 3rd, March 2006 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink