The XXXX Factor

‘WE have dissected and digested yesterday’s Budget and can see little for Sharon Osbourne to be worried about. Chancellor Gordon Brown thought better of sticking a swear box in every home in the land.

Of course, having now given the Chancellor an idea, we may not have to wait long before legislation forces us to stick a coin in a box each and every time we utter an expletive.

And if that happens the danger is that foulmouthed Sharon will see her fortune slip down the pan faster than a freshly laid s**t.

We’re sorry for swearing. It’s just that we are impressionable and the sound of Osbourne’s demented fairy voice effing and blinding encourages us to follow suit. She is our role model and we want to be like her, pooing dogs, vibrating husband, brattish drug-addled kids – the lot.

You see, Sharon has been voted Celebrity Mum of the Year. As the Star says, the woman who invited TV cameras into her dogsh*t saturated home is the best mum in showbusiness.

Once again, we apologise for our language, but until swearing is taxed, we feel as though we should take full and fruity advantage of the loophole. And, in any case, it works for Sharon.

And let us now hear from “Top mum Shaz” (Mirror). What does she think of her victory?

“This is a public vote so it’s even more special to me,” says she. “I’m speechless – for once.” Only she isn’t, not really. And over in the Sun, Sharon says: “I’m honoured. It’s been a tough few years.”

And it is about to get tougher as Sharon takes over the title of celebrity supermum from tired and emotional Kerry Katona. That’s a hard act to follow – even with a pooper scooper…’

Posted: 23rd, March 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink