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Anorak | To Be Blunt

To Be Blunt

by | 1st, July 2006

THE week began with joy. Nicole Kidman had M.A.R.R.I.E.D country music singer Keith Urban. And that the D.I.V.O.R.C.E.E had done so in a Catholic church was no less wonderful.

“We just want to thank everyone in Australia and around the world who have sent us their warm wishes,” said Nicole as she tied the knot in Sydney.

Her thanks were not needed. Her happiness was our happiness. And her tears were our tears.

While the celebrity guests – Russell Crowe and Naomi Watts – mingled at the Romeo and Juliet-themed reception (family rows and suicide?) – Londoners were treated to a sight of Paris Hilton.

Paris was in a golf buggy on her way to a concert in Hyde Park. There she met James Blunt, and the pair partied the night away. Perhaps she hoped to sweep the ex-army officer off his feet, as Natalie Loddo had.

Natalie had much to tell. “We started kissing but he was quite a bit shorter than I am so I dragged him over to a beer crate and he popped himself on top,” said she in the Sun. “I remember he put a cap on me – it was like a Richard Gere moment.”

Indeed. Only in this version James Blunt was cast in the Debra Winger role and Natalie was macho Gere. Overlooking the fact that Natalie was married at the time, and that the passion reached fulfillment in a Ford Escort, it was desperately romantic. And made no less so when Natalie tracked down her old flame in Cardiff. “It was a real quickie,” said Natalie, now divorced. “There were people knocking on the [changing room] door because we had to leave the building.”

Blunt is some lover. And from one of his exes we move to another – Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. And Tara’s hooter.

Being a “telly toff”, Tara has, naturally, got her nose pushed high into the air, enabling her to look down at us, and we to look up at her.

And from our viewpoint things were not looking good. The Star said Tara’s nose had developed a “large and worrying dent on the bridge”. It said that the eyes of the showbiz world were on her conk.

As were ours. The paper’s shot of Tara’s face in September 2004 showed a neat snub nose with a straight bridge. In June 2006, the nose had altered. The straight lines were disturbed by a bump, a mogul in Tara’s gentle ski jump.

Had cocaine bend TP-T’s nose out of shape? And should other cocaine users be worried about their own noses?

Moving on, on Thursday, we saw Kate at the opening of a new bar in London’s Dorchester hotel.

For the record, Kate sported a “revealing” leopard skin dress. And a new friend called Kelly Osbourne.

The Mirror heard Kate say a few words about her recent past. “I know I’ve been really stupid and childish,” said she. “I mean, I’m still very childish and always will be. But I am 10,000 times smarter than before.”

Of course, being childish, Kate meant to say she’d become a million, billion, trillion, gazillion times smarter than she’s ever been in her entire life – ever! But it was rude to interrupt. And we would have allowed her to continue if it hadn’t been for Pete Doherty wanting to say a few words.

Pete has written a book, and some of its contents caught the Mirror’s eye. “Anyway, I love you so much it has estranged me from myself even,” wrote Pete, whose book will hit the shelves of a bookshop near you very soon – and then slump into a broken heap on the floor. “To say it on paper is a bit off but marry me and I’ll do the crack off if you want.”

Beautiful words. And had cocaine Kate seen them, she would surely now be Mrs Kate Doherty. And to go with her new husband she’d have a new dress and a new epithet…



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