Meat Is Murder
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“ALARM OVER BEEF IMPORTS” – John Verrall, “a member of the Government advisory committee”, thinks eating beef from cattle pumped up with growth hormones” could “trigger cancer”
“Epidemic that may leave a generation infertile” – The Mail’s favourite STD, Chlamydia, is on the rise
TUESDAY
“Gas bills will soar again by an average of £100 – Well, they “could”
“One in three is haunted by paranoia” – The other two in three are out to get them
“The hormone scandal. Will Britons be forced to eat hormone injected beef?” – Can we be forced to eat beef, especially when we’re all already eating crisps?
“Schoolgirls’ websites make them prey for paedophiles” – Headmistress Lynda Wynbar is worried about “networking websites”
“Is going to the gym BAD for your health? Lurking on the dumbbells. Hidden in the towels. The millions of killer bacteria festering in your gym” – What with all the faulty gum equipment, filthy changing rooms (“a breeding ground for MRSA”), fungi-infested running shoes, bad hot-tubs (“a breeding ground for dangerous bacteria”), “nasty gut bug” cryptosporidium in the pool and a strain of bacteria in the sauna that can cause pneumonia, of course it is. And then there’s the heart-attack.
“Top cyclists Emma was in agony after being hit by a car. But she didn’t know a shard of bone was close to shredding her spinal cord – A SECOND AWAY FROM PARALYSIS”
“IS YOUR X-RAY SAFE? Last week, experts claimed mammograms can increase the risk of breast cancer. So how worried should we be about those scans?!” – Here’s the Mail to tell you just how worried you should be
WEDNESDAY
“Cannabis ‘gateway’ to heroin” – Researchers writing in the journal of neuropsychoparmacology (ask your news agent for it by name) say cannabis prepares users for harder drugs
THURSDAY
“1.2m patients a year are hit by NHS blunders” – So says the Commons Public Accounts Committee
“NAZI DEMONS LAID TO REST”! – World Cup fever and why we now all love the Germans
“Germany in shock as Nazi thugs burn Anne Frank diary” – and kick is about like a, er, football
FRIDAY
“A year ago, Britain’s streets were swarming with police. The great mystery of life is: where are they today?” – next week Tom Utley wonders why he hasn’t seen a baby pigeon since the 1950s
SATURDAY
“What happened to the Britain I loved? After living abroad for 25 years, this writer returned for a sentimental tour of England. The changes he found left him baffled, wryly amused…and more than little uneasy” – Joe Bennet hankers for 1981, that golden year of the Brixton and Toxteth Riots, Bobby Sands’s hunger strike, Joe Dolce…
“The ‘healthy’ fruit drinks with more sugar than Coke – Children like sugary drinks sensation!
Posted: 8th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
