Not The Last Noel
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“45,000 criminals bound for Britain. We can’t keep out Romanian and Bulgarian thugs, minister admits” – Junior Home Office Minister Joan Ryan may like to consider exchanging these foreign thugs for some of our own?
“HOW TO BE POSITIVELY HAPPY. His TV career seemed over and his private life was in turmoil. But Noel Edmonds transformed his fortunes by putting his trust in positive thinking. In this inspirational new series, he shows how YOU can do the same” – Yes! You can be just like Noel Edmonds! Glory be! Hallelujah! Shoot me now!
WEDNESDAY
“The flag of surrender. EU’s banner is put on a legal par with the Union flag and Cross of St George” – The blue flag with gold stars will now “count as a national flag”
“For God’s sake, can’t my children be taught their own religion? A furious mother on how her children have been bombarded with teaching about Islam, Sikhism and Hinduism but nothing about their own culture” – Why is there no Satan worship workshop at school? Why?
“’No room’ to hold captured illegal immigrants” – Some illegal immigrants are not locked up because there are not enough places to lock them in
“In a provocative crie de coeur that’ll enrage thousands of women – but strike a chord with others – one mother of two says the unsayable. SORRY. BUT MY CHIDLREN BORE ME TO DEATH”” – No need to apologies, Notting Hill resident Helen Kirwan-Taylor, your kids Ivan and Constantine look they could bore anyone to death. You’ve just been unlucky. Try again.
“A weighty challenge for the NHS” – Fat patients mean the NHS is spending money on reinforced beds
“TV AND FRIDGE PRICES TO RISE” – Front-page horror – and it’s all to do with EU recycling laws
THURSDAY
“Pilots in threat to disrupt Bank Holiday flights” – That’ll learn yer for trying to leave this benighted land
“Why Labour despises the family” – Not just any family, but your family, says Melania Phillips
“As cruel months go, I will go for August” – Keith Waterhouse sees evil under the sun
“Britain 2006: The to place to be a criminal” – We’re No. 1!
“The asthma drugs ‘that are putting lives at risk’” – Dr Vassilis Vassiliou and Dr Christos Zipitis, from Addenbrooke Hospital, Cambridge, says using salmeterol might be bad for asthmatics
FRIDAY
“Why do the BBC’s war reporters refuse to wear ties?” – Michael Cole enters the war debate
“Is it any wonder Britons are leaving in droves (After all, their country deserted them year ago”)? – Richard Littlejohn is still here
“DIY painkillers ‘could double risk of impotence’” – So suggest scientists at the University of Tampere, in Finland
“FROM Mr RIGHT – You thought he was our ideal man and lived with him for years, but always put off having children. Then, with your biological clock ticking madly, he dumps you to have a child with a younger woman. Meet a new – and worrying – social species – To Mr WRITE OFF”
“The Dairlylea slice that’s saltier than the sea” – But not as salty as crisps
Posted: 29th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
