A Nasty Taste

“GET your free lollies here. There is no catch.”

Anorak’s charabanc is in Bournemouth and in need of refreshment, we approach an ice-cream van and accept the “free” treats.

But what’s this? Instead of being met by some youth with the complexion of rocky road ice-cream, our order is taken by two middle-aged men in Comfi-Slax.

The Times spots the pair, and identifies them as Hugo Swire, the Shadow Culture Secretary, and his Tory colleague Eric Pickles, the Shadow Minister for Local Government.

For the Times’s picture, Swire holds aloft a red lolly and Pickles a yellow one. They are free. But we are wary.

It might be a trick. That Labour-red lolly looks fine, but we worry that it tastes of communion wine, and we should avoid imbibing alcohol under the summer sun. And the LibDem-yellow one suggests a rich lemon flavour but might turn out to be horribly insipid and fall apart as soon as you remove the wrapper. We abstain.

And the Times tells us that such campaigning is nothing new. In 1996, John Prescott arrived on Cleethorpes beach, Lincolnshire. He began to hand out sticks of rock in which the words “Tory lies” had been written.

A year later, Glenda Jackson was transported to the beaches of Benidorm to hand out Labour Party leaflets.

The Times hears from Peter Mandelson, mastermind of such schemes. “Picking her way nimbly through the sun-drenched bodies, Glenda courageously kept going until the heat – or embarrassment – finally overcame her, then she gladly rushed home.”

It seems that there is no escaping the reach of our politicians. And when confronted by one this summer, we urge voters to keep cool.

And if you do see a man approach you on a Caribbean beach, carrying a placard and offering you a free Cliff Richard CD, we advise that you politely decline his offer and turn the other cheek…

Posted: 3rd, August 2006 | In: Uncategorized Comment | TrackBack | Permalink