Anorak

Anorak | Maybe Baby

Maybe Baby

by | 16th, August 2006

The Star says Pete and Nikki have been dubbed Pikki by fans. We are also told in a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE" of “NIKKI BABY FEARS”.

This baby is neither Suri Holmes-Cruise nor is it Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, two nippers only a fool would take on armed with just a big mouth, flailing twig arms and toffee-apple breasts.

No, Nikkki is fearful of never being able to have a baby with her Pete. She’s worried that her past anorexia has left her unable to bear children.

This is just awful. And Nikkki may choose to set Pete free just as soon as they emerge from the house, thus enabling him to begin life with someone who can give him the child he craves, like Aisleyne (vote for her!) or Davina. Love is letting go.

But Pete will surely not let go. “It makes me feel happy seeing her happy,” says Pete. “I love her, I love her.”

And there is a chance that Nikkkkki can have children. Failing that, she could just go on pretending to be one herself…


Nikkkkkkki tells Pete that she’d like to go an a cruise. Not a cruise of the wine bars of Hertfordshire and Essex. But a real cruise on a real boat.

Nikkki is now only fit to live in an institution. Only a raving loon would want to leave one compound for another. Nikkkki dreams about lying in a cabin with her Pete. There is no escape from the cabin. The windows are round and about nine inches across, although Nikkki could well be fed through one.

On the boat you can walk around and around in circles. The monotony broken only by the sound of the claxon and the captain’s voice telling you to put on a life vest and pretend to abandon ship.

On the ship you are stick with people who may not like. You are removed from the action. Life is elsewhere. It’s Big Brother on water.

Nikkki is ready to set sail on her new Channel 4 TV show and what better format than to send Nikkkkkki on a slow boat to nowhere in particular?

Did you see her pilot episode on last night’s highlight show? Big Brother called Nikkki into the Diary Room and for breaking the rules made us all watch her for a full minute or more as she behaved like Nikkkki. (What happened to warnings and evictions?)

She scowled. She ranted. She took us through the full range of her talent. And just when we thought she was about to become a celebrity chef and bake an egg on her head, she stopped. Nikki had run out things to do. Being Nikki is one thing; being a professional Nikkki is quite another.

What Nikkkki needs is a catchphrase. Screaming just does not cut the mustard. You have to scream something. And this is why you should all vote for Aisleyne.

“Know yourself little girl” is a terrific put down. Nikkki calls her a “bitch”. Aisleyne comes back with that. No contest.

Vote Aisleyne.



Posted: 16th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink