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Anorak | Madonna Don’t Preach

Madonna Don’t Preach

by | 21st, August 2006

“IT was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically,” says one official at British Nuclear Fuels.

That might be so. But this is Madonna talking and if science is to reach out to the masses and engage the youth she should be listened to.

As she tells us: “I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?”

We could bang on about art for art’s sake, and how Swept Away was a movie that made us all think about the end of the world and how soon it would come. But this is the time to sit up and listen. Madonna is talking. And she is talking science.

The Star (“NUCLEAR WASTER. Cult star Madonna talks load of Kabballocks”) would rather see Madonna in a conical bra. And if she could decorate her nipples in the fashion of nuclear warheads the paper would pay more heed to her message.

But she has yet to grab the nettle and for now is intent on pushing her “wonder fluid” via phone calls to BFNL. These are backed up by letters written by her husband Guy Ritchie. Both are followers in the Jewish-themed spiritual movement Kabbalah. And both know the truth.

As Madonna said a few years ago: “I mean, one of the biggest problems that exists right now in the world is nuclear waste. That’s something I’ve been involved with for a while with a group of scientists – finding a way to neutralise radiation, believe it or not."

We believe it. And having consulted a pocket compass we do as Madonna and Guy are said to have done at a Kabbalah Centre dinner in London – we turn our faces to the East and begin chanting “Chernobyl”.

This will “heal the problem of nuclear waste". And it works for other nuclear power plants too. “Kewaunee, Kewaunee, Kewaunee.”

But not everyone is convinced. “Sizewell A, Sizewell A, Sizewell A.” A team at BFNL led by Sue Ion (real name?) – a woman said to have a “brain the size of a planet” – “rubbished” the claims.

She could be wrong. Even planets can make mistakes.

And it’s over to Madonna for her response. But we do not get to hear from her. She is busy on tour in Germany. “Brokdorf, Brokdorf, Brokdorf.”

But her husband is talking, albeit through a spokeswoman: “I’ve spoken to Guy’s office and I don’t think he is going to be available to talk about this . . . I don’t think it’s top of the list of things they are working on at the moment.”

“Plogoff! Plogoff! Plogoff!”



Posted: 21st, August 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink