There Be Penguins

IF you go down to the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise. What with Muslim fundamentalists in cagoules trying to win cub-scout badges in jihad and orienteering the place is wild.

You can see all sorts of dangerous and strange things in the countryside. Look! There goes a badger fancier dressed only in his socks. Look There’s a middle-aged couple in matching his ‘n’ hers Peter Storm coats. Look! There’s a penguin.

What was that? No, not the unsettling oddity that is a married couple is matching anoraks. What was that the bit about the penguin?

According to the oganisation Beastwatch UK, one penguin has been spotted at large since the group started recording sightings of unusual animals in 2001.

The penguin is black and white. It should not be confused with the three pandas also spotted and believed to be of similar complexion.

To give them their dues, the following animals have been spotted at large in the British countryside:

5,931 big cats (including panthers, pumas, leopards, lynx)
3,389 sharks
332 wild boars
51 wallabies
43 snakes
13 dangerous spiders
13 racoons
10 crocodiles
7 wolves
4 eagles
3 pandas
2 scorpions
1 penguin

Chris Mullins, founder of Beastwatch UK, says: “It is clear the UK contains far more exotic wild animals than the British public could ever imagine.”

It would seem so. But what if the spotters are mistaken? What is the Tipton Tiger is just a well-fed tabby cat and the fabled Beast of Bodmin a confused dog?

But, say, it is true and we being invaded by exotic beasts? What will it mean for our domestic animals? Where will they be housed? Who will pay for them? Will they take our pets’ jobs?

Posted: 18th, September 2006 | In: Uncategorized Comment | TrackBack | Permalink