Wags Have Got Some Balls

“I’M crazy about my football fella Darren Byfield – but if I ever caught him playing away I’d show him the red card.”

Singer Jamelia has spent a day editing the Mirror’s 3am Girls page, and is, consequentially, now speaking in fluent tabloidese.

“Worse than that, if Darren- who plays for Millwall [as if you needed telling] – did the dirty on me I’d chop his balls off. It would be all over for him.”

We look forward to Darren’s reply, in which he tells us that if Jamelia ever cheats on him he’ll slice off her breasts. If he can say this while sporting a wiry beard and white robes, so much the better.

Jamelia goes on: “And I’m using this opportunity to say: ‘If your man’s cheating on you, don’t put up with it. Dump his a**!’”

Jamelia means to say “ass”, but her tabloidese is getting the better of her. In her column you can talk about castrating a man but not use the American-English form of arse.

Darren needs to be careful. He needs to watch his ass, his balls and his language.

John Terry’s Toni is at No.3 in the league table. She’s dressed like a DFS sofa in patches of leather.

At No, 2 is Elen Rives, Frank Lampard’s lover. Rives wears a shimmering blue dress of a type not seen since JR was shot.

And at No. 1 is Alex Curran. “Alex looks fab,” says the Mirror. She wears red velvet shorts, black leather thigh-high boots, a belt of gold hoops, a black blouson shirt tied with a satin bow at the neck and open to reveal a black bra and orange-brown midriff.

Alex may look like she hasn’t the first idea about texture, colour, style and cut, but, in truth, she is a fashion leader.

Alex is, after all, the creator of the Mirror’s “Go Shopping With Alex Curran” column.

It’s required reading for women who know nothing of fashion…

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, October 2006 | In: Wags & Players Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink