Church Mice

“A PICTURE of domestic bliss, Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson are sitting with two Jack Russell terriers on their laps, and a mug of tea in hand.”

To us this is a precarious position. Hello! says it is “too natural and unaffected to be feigned”. And the very real fear is that in ringing the bell on Charlotte’s front door, the dogs will stir, the hot tea will spill, Charlotte will be scalded and Gavin’s tan will start to run.

But nothing happens. “Call us boring but this is where we like being best, at home with our dogs,” says Charlotte.

Ok, you’re boring. And nothing like the hard drinkers and harder swearers of tabloid fame. Has Hello! called round on a quiet night?

“This is our life,” says Charlotte, “being at home together with me doing the cleaning and cooking Gavin’s lunch!”

So there’s no celebrity excess? No Baccanalian orgies? No debauchery? Nothing? Just two lapdogs, tea in a mug and chores?

Hello! should leave now. But it has journeyed to Cardiff, which is in Wales. And it is journey that a magazine used to being in sun-kissed environs does not undertake lightly.

It presses on…for nine more pages.

We hear how they met (no, not in a sofa centre, or the supermarket dog food sections, but in a bar), how Charlotte thinks “Gav” is gorgeous and how Gav thinks he’s met someone “special”.

Then the terriers move on, and Charlotte get ready to make Gavin’s prawn sandwich in a silk mauve gown with plunging neckline.

Then the dogs are back. Charlotte now has them both. And she has “legs like vases”. And “really thick knees”. A little like Gav’s, although his are covered in fake tan and form the mid part of a shaved leg.

Gavin likes orange things. And while “sugar-loving Charlotte tucks into biscuits, diet-conscious Gavin snacks on carrots”.

And then Gav goes to the gym wearing a pair of metallic silver trainers. He looks like something from a 1950s seaside postcard.

And Charlotte looks on admiringly. It’s been another quiet night in to be proud of…

Posted: 4th, October 2006 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink