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Paul McCartney’s Breasts

by | 18th, October 2006

“EXCLUSIVE: Court documents filed by Heather Mills contain sensational claims of abuse by her husband,” announces the Mail on its front page.

And on reading that we revisit Die Freuden der Liebe (The Lover’s Guide), Heather’s tribute to baby oil and Anglo-German relations, and take a closer look at the picture of the man spanking Heather’s upturned backside.

The man’s hair is as naturally dark and shiny as that owned by Heather’s husband, Sir Paul McCartney, and he appears to be on intimate terms with the blonde mine clearer. But abuse?

Heather says so. And, as the Mail reports, the blonde is accusing Sir Paul of “repeated violence” against her, including an attack in which “he stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass”.

If true, this is appalling. And we would like our readers to note that it is Heather’s leg and not her arm that is made of something not quite flesh and bone. This alleged stabbing was not in the mode of Reg Gutteridge, the voice of boxing, who was wont to show his bravery and mettle by sticking sharp implements into his trousered false leg and challenging others to follow suit.

And there is more. Heather says Paul continued to use drink and drugs “excessively” during their marriage. He called her an “ungrateful bitch”.

He tried to prevent her from breastfeeding, saying: “They are my breasts.” (At first, the Mail does not specify whom Heather was breastfeeding, but it is assumed she was offering succour to the couple’s child Beatrice and not, say, to a curly haired German man or Ringo Starr.) Paul is alleged to have told her: “I do not want a mouthful of breast milk.”

And to put the tin lid on this litany of abuse, Heather claims Paul objected “vociferously” to her buying an antique bedpan to save her crawling to the toilet of a night.

That is the case against Sir Paul of McCartney, your honour. And we say that it is case closed and the plaintiff should be shorn of many millions.

Who cannot find it in their hard hearts to condemn Paul and take pity on the poor blonde star of self-help manuals for baby oil enthusiasts?

You sir? Well, you should know the court papers filed by Heather’s lawyer claim that with the marriage “irretrievably broken down”, Miss Mills left the family home “crawling on her hands and knees while dragging her wheelchair, crutches and personal possessions” to her car.

Not since Tiny Tim fell to the cobbles has there been so pathetic and heart-wrenching an image. (Or since forlorn Heather, propped up on a crutch, was spotted dragging a case through Gatwick airport on her way to Slovenia.)

Poor Heather. It is surely time to make her rich…



Posted: 18th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink