The McCartney Witch Hunt

“MACCA: NOW IT’S GETTING REALLY DIRTY,” announces the Mail’s front page.

And we applaud the Mail’s brave decision to publish more shots from Die Freuden der Liebe (The Lover’s Guide), Lady Heather Mills McCartney’s seminal work with body oil and a curly-haired German male.

But the lead picture of Heather sat in a chair, an inch or so of cleavage on display, is all we get. It’s a shot taken from Heather’s appearance on BBC TV’s City Hospital, a daytime show in which people circling the plughole of life can see nurses dressing bed sores.

And yesterday the viewers saw Heather, who, as the Mail tells us, was “discussing, among other things, pain management”.

And Heather knows pain. As the Mail reported yesterday, and the Sun reiterates today (in a front-page “EXCLUSIVE”), Heather claims Paul stabbed her, took drugs and told her that her breasts were his.

The paper produces a picture of Heather and circles a “wound” on her arm, the injury thought to have been caused by the alleged stabbing with a broken wine glass.

But Paul is having none of it. The Sun’s front page sums up Paul’s position: “She’s out to destroy me…it’s BLACKMAIL.”

But Paul should not worry. The simple sword of truth and trusty shield of justice will see him through. And as long as his lawyer, Fiona ‘Steel Magnolia’ Shackleton, can fend of the barbs of Heather’s brief, Anthony ‘Genius’ Julius, and stick one on him, all will be right.

The battle between the lawyers is the sub-plot to this sorry tale. And the Mail lavishes two pages on the lawyers who represented Prince Charles (Shackleton) and Princess Diana (Julius) in that divorce.

Yes, Julius represented Diana. If anyone can make the wife look good and virtuous it is he. Things might go badly for Paul. When the case is shut, Heather may be hailed as the new Diana, while Paul is despised and forced into marriage with a women who looks like his mother.

But this is not allowing for Paul’s mates. Geoff Baker, Paul’s former publicist, tells the Mirror that Heather’s a “f******g fantasist”.

Heather is wounded once more. And now Cilla Black steps forward to deliver the coup de grace. Speaking to the Mail, our Cilla says: “I don’t believe it for a second. That’s not my Pauly, that’s not the Pauly I know.”

Paul will surely win. Money can’t buy Heather love. All you need it love. It’s Mucca versus Pauly. Game over.

But what’s this? Staying with the Mail, we hear from Heather’s spokesman Phil Hall. He reminds us that Heather has been for a revision amputation on her leg. (Remember her leg?). “She has been very unwell and weak, she lost her voice.”

And we can read no more. Poor Heather. Give her the money, Pauly. She doesn’t have a leg. Have a heart, Pauly. All you need is love – she needs urgent medial attention. She’s on City Hospital.

Posted: 19th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comments (2) | TrackBack | Permalink