Wayne’s Parade

WAYNE Rooney’s 21st birthday party promises to be quite some thing.

In readiness for the do, the Sun notes that Wayne’s whale-voiced lover Coleen McLoughlin has been out shopping.

“LOOK WHAT I GOT ROO,” says the headline. It’s “Coleen’s megabucks birthday gift spree”. And sure enough there’s a picture of Coleen pulling out all the credit cards to make Wayne’s coming of age a special day.

And the Sun knows what he’s getting. Look away now Wayne as we spot a wall-clock-sized, diamond–encrusted £30,000 Jacobs & Co Watch, a £15,000 golf simulator and a £5,000 Louis Vuitton man-bag with “lots of gold” on it.

And there will be more. After showing us what the gifts look like and telling us all about them, the Sun says, “but nobody knows for sure what her final choices were.”

But the Sun is wrong. And the Star is proud to announce on its front page that is knows exactly what Wayne will receive.

It’s “ROON’S 21 BUM SALUTE – Robbie flashes B-day boy,” announces the paper As the Star says, Coleen has a “star-studded bash” lined up to celebrate Wayne’s birthday, and chief among the guests in Robbie Williams.

And for a “sneak preview of her raunchy surprise” we turn inside the paper and see… a computer-generated image of what an iced cake with 21 candles on it might look like.

There is no picture of Robbie Williams’ proffered and naked backside. Wayne will just have to wait until the party for his big treat, when clutching his man-bag tight to his chest he will be presented with the singer’s arse.

But in the finest traditions of celebrity award dos, we are sorry to say that the star cannot make it, pressures of hair washing and so forth. Instead of Robbie’s actually arse, Wayne will be given a signed photo of it. This he can take home and enjoy at his leisure.

And the photo will form part of Wayne’s “Hall of Fame” birthday surprise. The star-studded do features less stars and studs than some stuff they’ve handed over.

And to go with picture of Robbie Williams’ backside, Wayne will get things from Mike Tyson (severed ear), Bono (god complex) and P. Diddy (a full stop to place between W. and Rooney).

It’s “A night of Stars” for La Roon. And in the spirit of spoiling the footballer’s surprises, we say that the Star’s cake is all wrong. The actual treat is massive and has at its centre an elderly woman iced in stockings, suspenders and cowboy hat.

Signed arse and photos on application…

Posted: 24th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink